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Crafted with all the finesse of a blunt hammer by FT columnist Jemima Kelly, the article is aptly titled “Bitcoin is still about $70,000 too high,” a refrain that echoes through the halls of financial despair. The pièce de résistance? A theatrical comparison to a hapless protagonist from the French film La Haine, who, while hurtling from a skyscraper, finds solace in the mantra, “so far, so good,” blissfully unaware of the imminent splat. One can almost hear the collective gasp of Bitcoin enthusiasts-what a jolly metaphorical leap!

According to Bloomberg, this little transaction is one of the priciest residential deals in the city over the past year. And get this-he snagged it for £2 million below the asking price. Must be nice to haggle over millions like it’s a yard sale. The deal closed just before the UK’s autumn budget, which, let’s be honest, probably had more holes than a Swiss cheese.

“The De-Gross Diet-eat nothing, lose everything!”

In a missive from the CryptoQuant oracle, the enigmatic Ruga Research has proclaimed that Bitcoin’s price now wallows in a 40% chasm below its 200-day moving average. This, dear reader, is the lament of the Mayer Multiple, a metric as fickle as a Moscow winter. It divides the price by its 200-day moving average, a mathematical ritual to discern whether the coin is trading in the realm of the divine or the damned.

The historic drop signals a joint crisis: weather’s stubborn grip and the economic squeeze gnawing at operators who once believed only in rising charts.

In a move that screams, “We’re not just here to destabilize your faith in cryptocurrency,” Tether has invested in t-0 network, a settlement platform that promises to make cross-border payments as seamless as ordering a latte. The catch? It’s all powered by stablecoins, because nothing says “financial stability” like a digital asset that’s supposed to be pegged to something tangible.