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Authored by the indomitable Frank Flight, Citadel’s rebuttal-published with all the urgency of a man describing a slow train-begins with the pedestrian facts of 2026: unemployment at 4.28%, AI capital expenditures at a mere 2% of GDP (a paltry $650 billion), and 2,800 data centers plotted across the U.S. Meanwhile, job postings for software engineers have risen 11% year over year. One might think these figures were scribbled on a napkin by a man who forgot to bring his dramamine.

To substantiate his lamentations, Schiff, armed with arithmetic sharper than a Cossack’s saber, reframed the eternal question: What is value? In November 2021, a single Bitcoin-a digital chimera-could procure 34.5 ounces of gold, that timeless symbol of human avarice and survival. Today, that same Bitcoin, now humbled, purchases but 12 ounces. A decline of 64%, as if the market itself had declared, “Thou art not the messiah of money.”

Ah, what a splendid turn of events we have here, my dear friends. The great Nicholas Hammer, co-founder and erstwhile CEO of the crypto lender Blockfills, has taken his leave of the company. And how, you ask? Simply stepped down, like a noble king who finds his throne too heavy to bear. No grand fanfare. No heroic departure. Just… gone. A simple twist in the grand crypto drama. And who steps in to fill the void? Joseph Perry, the ‘interim’ CEO, of course, because in times of financial chaos, ‘interim’ seems just right.

Indeed, the stock market now quivers like a nervous child, awaiting another “DeepSeek-led” tragedy. Naturally, Bitcoin, that fickle lover, finds itself under the spotlight, its past reactions to such spectacles etched in memory like a haunting melody.

Founded in 2019, MoonPay had, by this point, amassed a following of 30 million customers across 180 countries. One might say it had the charm of a well-bred pug with a penchant for crypto. It supported over 500 enterprise clients, offering them a smorgasbord of services: on-ramps, off-ramps, trading, payments, and stablecoin infrastructure-all served with the precision of a London afternoon tea.

Such a rebound typically draws in the steadfast buyers, for it whispers that the storm may have passed. Yet, this time, the narrative diverges most peculiarly. The investors who usually step in during recoveries-those stalwart long-term holders-have instead retreated, as if the very air were poisoned by uncertainty. This dissonance between price and conviction is as baffling as a fox in a henhouse.

Meanwhile, the ETH price has attempted to perform a Shakespearean soliloquy, soaring by 7.08%-a performance so dramatic it might as well be staged in the Kremlin’s own theater.