🐑 Lambs to the Slaughterhouse: Coinbase’s Crypto Carnival Continues! 🎪

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Well, butter my biscuit and call me surprised! 🥴 The ever-so-clever crypto security sleuth, Taylor Monahan, has taken a swing at Coinbase’s big cheese, Brian Armstrong, with the finesse of a riverboat gambler cheating at poker. 🎲 She’s hollering from the rooftops that Coinbase’s leadership is more interested in fattening their coffers than keeping their users’ pockets from getting picked. 🤑

Just as Armstrong was busy painting rainbows and unicorns 🦄 in his 2026 roadmap-all about global exchanges, stablecoins, and on-chain shenanigans-Monahan chimed in with a dose of cold, hard reality. ☠️ “User safety? Ain’t nobody got time for that!” she quipped, pointing out that Coinbase’s security blunders cost them a cool $350 million in 2025. Ouch. 💸

Old Wounds, New Roadmap 🎭

In response to Armstrong’s starry-eyed tweet about Coinbase’s grand plans, Monahan fired back with the wit of a Twain-esque cynic. “Brian still doesn’t see user safety as a priority,” she wrote, “It cost them >$350m in 2025. It could’ve been prevented.” 🤦‍♂️ She’s been sounding the alarm for “months and months and months” about security holes big enough to drive a stagecoach through, but apparently, Coinbase’s ears are as clogged as a Mississippi mudflat. 🌧️

“Literally over a year later. And the priority is still ‘bring more lambs to my slaughterhouse pls.’” 🐑🔪

Monahan’s frustration traces back to a 2024 investigation by the on-chain detective ZachXBT, who uncovered a shady exploit involving Coinbase Commerce. 🕵️‍♂️ Turns out, a whopping $15.9 million in USDC vanished into thin air on Polygon over 16 hours in April 2024. The funds were then bridged to Ethereum, swapped into ETH, and scattered across wallets like confetti at a circus. 🎉 A scoundrel named “Excite” allegedly bragged about the heist on Telegram and social media, while some of the loot was laundered through mixers and gambling platforms. 🎰

The real head-scratcher? Coinbase’s AML and transaction monitoring systems were apparently napping on the job, despite the size, speed, and sketchiness of the outflows. 😴 Monahan had called them out then, but here we are, a year later, and it’s still the Wild West over at Coinbase. 🤠

Handling of Security Incidents 🛑

ZachXBT, the pseudonymous Sherlock of the blockchain, has been singing the same tune. 🎶 He’s slammed Coinbase for account lockouts and a hush-hush data breach that left users high and dry. Last year, he claimed Coinbase locked him out of his account twice in a month without so much as a “howdy.” 🤔 He also accused them of keeping users in the dark about a breach that spilled customer data like a tipped-over inkwell. 🖋️

“I wouldn’t recommend this platform to my worst enemy,” ZachXBT declared, citing ongoing transparency and security issues. His gripes add to a pile of past criticisms, including claims that Coinbase’s weak responses to scams and impersonation attacks led to tens of millions in losses between late 2024 and early 2025. 🕳️

So, there you have it, folks. Coinbase’s crypto carnival continues, with Armstrong as the ringmaster and Monahan as the voice of reason shouting, “Don’t fall for the three-card monte!” 🎪🃏 Will Coinbase clean up its act, or will it keep herding lambs to the slaughterhouse? Only time will tell. 🕰️

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2026-01-02 21:39