🚀 Coinbase’s Magic Touch: Altcoins Soar (Or Crash) Like Drunk Cossacks! 💸

by

In Brief:

  • The mere whisper of Coinbase’s approval sends altcoins into a frenzy, like peasants at a vodka sale.
  • Some tokens flourish like spring wheat; others wither like cabbages in a frost—such is the capricious hand of the exchange.

Coinbase, the great benefactor (or executioner)

The Fickle Favor of Coinbase

On the twenty-second of July, the American exchange, with the solemnity of a tsar issuing a decree, added BankrCoin (BNKR), Jito Staked SOL (JITOSOL), and Metaplex (MPLX) to its sacred “roadmap.” These tokens now tremble on the threshold of glory—or obscurity—awaiting the exchange’s final nod.

“Trading shall commence only if the market-makers deign to participate and the servers do not collapse like a poorly built izba,” the company intoned, with all the gravity of a village elder.

To be blessed by Coinbase is to be bathed in golden light—liquidity flows, reputations soar, and prices, like overexcited serfs, leap skyward. BNKR and MPLX, dutifully, surged by 27% and 18%. JITOSOL, however, like a drunken nobleman at a ball, stumbled after an initial flourish and now sulks in the red.

BNKR's brief moment of glory

Last week, Caldera (ERA), branded with the ominous “Experimental” label, was granted the privilege of appearing on Coinbase’s mobile apps. Its price, like a startled hare, bolted upward by 75%, only to be caught and throttled by bears shortly after. Now it limps along at $1.26, a cautionary tale.

A Gallery of Fortunes and Misfortunes

In June, Fartcoin (FARTCOIN)—yes, you read that correctly—PancakeSwap (CAKE), and Subsquid (SQD) were welcomed into the fold. Their prices, predictably, danced like peasants at a wedding.

Peanut the Squirrel (PNUT), that most illustrious of meme coins, pranced upward in January when Coinbase condescended to list it. Toshi (TOSHI), meanwhile, enjoyed a triple-digit surge—briefly, of course, like a summer storm.

But woe unto those cast out! Helium Mobile (MOBILE), Render (RNDR), and their unfortunate brethren plunged like stones into a well when Coinbase, with a dismissive wave, delisted them in May. Such is the fate of the unworthy.

Read More

2025-07-23 20:20