🤑 The $300M Coinbase Phantom Returns: ETH’s Unlikely Sugar Daddy? 🕵️♂️

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Ah, the theater of the absurd! The rogue who pilfered Coinbase’s coffers, leaving a trail of woe and $300 million in ashes, has emerged from the shadows—not to repent, but to frolic in the fields of Ethereum (ETH). 🌾✨ According to the ever-watchful Lookonchain, this digital brigand has snatched 649.62 ETH, a trifling $2.31 million, in a mere nine hours. A price of $3,561 per token? A pittance for one so audacious! 💰

This marks the second grand ETH acquisition in July, as if the stars themselves conspired to align. ETH, that fickle muse, has breached the $3,700 threshold for the first time this year—a triumph, or so the optimists chirp. Earlier, our protagonist splurged on 4,863 ETH, a cool $12.55 million, at $2,581. A bold return to the crypto stage after offloading 26,762 ETH in May for $69.25 million. Ah, the ebb and flow of greed! 🌊

The pattern, my dear reader, is as clear as a Chekhovian subtext: our hacker is smitten with Ethereum, embracing it with the fervor of a spurned lover. As ETH’s price swells—a 40% surge in a month, no less—our antihero accumulates with the zeal of a man who’s lost his umbrella in a storm. 🌧️

The hacker who stole $300M+ from #Coinbase users bought another 649.62 $ETH($2.31M) at $3,561 9 hours ago.

— Lookonchain (@lookonchain) July 20, 2025

On-chain sleuths, those digital bloodhounds, have tracked this wallet’s every move. Most purchases, routed through the CoW Protocol, are as subtle as a sneeze in a silent theater. 🕵️♂️

The Coinbase Farce

Ah, the Coinbase debacle—a tragedy in three acts. In May, it was revealed that hackers, with the cunning of a Chekhovian protagonist, bribed overseas call center contractors to pilfer sensitive data. Passwords and crypto balances remained untouched, yet the breach left a stain, costing tens of millions in remediation. Coinbase, ever the stoic, refused to negotiate with these digital Raskolnikovs, opting instead to reimburse the afflicted. A noble gesture, though one wonders if it was mere pragmatism. 🤔

Now, with ETH soaring above $3,700 and our hacker’s average reentry price at $2,600, the wallet brims with unrealized gains. Millions, my dear reader, millions! And yet, this digital Mephistopheles shows no signs of satiation. The accumulation continues, a never-ending act in this crypto tragicomedy. 🎭

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2025-07-20 15:37