My dear degenerates and saints of speculative finance!
Behold the ledger of our collective sins: the market cap hath swollen to 4.16 trillion shekels-a sum that would make even the Grand Inquisitor himself blush, were the Inquisitor paid in stables or sats.
Bitcoin, that golden calf re-forged in electricity, struts above one-hundred-and-twenty-thousand American dollars, as though Golgotha were merely an entry-level resistance.
Ethereum, poor prince Myshkin of altcoins, stumbles toward its historic summit with the innocence of a man who has never heard of gas fees.
“Where does a soul go when its wallet hits all-time highs?
To confession? To Telegram? Or to the cold Siberia of profit taxes?”
- Total market cap: “a record 4.16 T, enough to purchase every tear shed by a paper-hander since 2017.” 😂
- SOL surges 15%, trades above 200, eyes 252-an angelic target, if angels traded on 4-hour charts. 📈👼
- Story Protocol’s IP: down 17%; the token appears to have caught the same fever that afflicted poor Smerdyakov-a fatal fall from rising channel grace. 📉👺
On a Wednesday of dubious sanctity-August the Thirteenth-this carnival of numbers added yet another zero, inflating by ten percent in a week.
Reason? Ah, the Fed might cut rates (94% odds on Polymarket, 87% on the CME, 100% in every moonboi’s dreams).
Inflation cooled to 2.7%, like a lukewarm confession heard after midnight mass.
U.S. tariffs on our celestial Middle Kingdom delayed ninety days; investors exhaled in unison, their sigh scented with hopium and Panda Express. 🐼
Solana price analysis-or, Crime and Punishment in four-hour candles
Solana-Prince Mishkin reborn in Proof-of-History-rallied 15% in twenty-four hours, kissing 200 for the first time this August, and 28% above its monthly nadir.
Observe the chart: a rising wedge (a shape beloved by geometers and cursed by technicians) converges toward heaven.
The golden cross appears-50 DMA crossing 200 DMA-like a pair of Orthodox priests blessing the same lamb.
If buyers punch past 213, next stop is 252, the mystical 78.6% retracement, otherwise known as “the level where greed meets God.”
Yet remember: rising wedges are bearish reversals in disguise, like undercover angels of bankruptcy 😇💀.
Failure to hold invites a tumble to 175-Siberia, but with Wi-Fi.
Story protocol price analysis-or, Notes from the Underground Ledger
Story, that tragic hero, rose a modest 2.7% daily yet languishes -17% from its weekly peak-a fate fit for an Underground Man trapped in a rising channel that proved to be a mere sewer pipe.
The price broke below the trendline, rupturing the very floor beneath Dostoyevsky’s feet.
Supertrend flips blood-red, RSI whispers “oversold” in the same sentence it denies all salvation.
Targets: 4.10, then 2.40-these numbers sound like room numbers in a Siberian sanatorium. 😷
Only a miraculous reclaim of 6.30 before close can resurrect the corpse of bullish narrative.
Until then, dear holders, prepare for sleepless nights of self-accusation and screenshots of higher highs you will never touch.
Final footnote from the Underground:
Every candle tells a confession; every wick betrays a lie.
So rejoice, despair, set your stop-losses and your souls accordingly.
-The Gambler of Crypto News (still paying alimony to 2018 bags)
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2025-08-13 15:11