Eric Trump Rings Nasdaq Bell, Crypto Chaos Ensues-Aliens Unimpressed 🚀

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In a move that some would call “bold,” others might call “baffling,” and most aliens would simply call “Tuesday,” Alt5 Sigma recently materialized $1.5 billion-presumably from the couch cushions of the Universe-to create a World Liberty Financial Inc. (WLFI) token treasury. For reasons best left to experts in quantum finance or time travel, Alt5 will possess approximately 7.5% of all tokens. What could possibly go wrong? I mean, besides everything.

Nasdaq Welcomes Alt5 Sigma as Eric Trump Helps Kick Off Trading Day 🚦

Somewhere amidst the labyrinthine corridors of financial progression, Alt5 Sigma Corporation (Nasdaq: ALTS)-pioneers in the science of discovering new ways to digitally misplace your lunch money-shook the planet by buying 7.5 billion WLFI tokens. Enter Eric Trump, co-founder, recently-minted Alt5 board member, and man with a shocking ability to smile directly into a camera. He rang the opening bell at Nasdaq so vigorously, several constellations may have had to be recalibrated.

Alt5, ever the overachievers, added Zak Folkman and Zach Witkoff to their board. This is the sort of action that is typically witnessed only in soap operas or high-stakes games of Monopoly. The company currently offers a crypto payments gateway for merchants, an OTC trading platform for wizards who know what OTC means, and-because why not-a biotech subsidiary called Alyea Therapeutics Corporation, which allegedly specializes in painkillers that don’t invite your body to an impromptu addiction party.

Yet, in a plot twist worthy of a minor planet, Alt5’s partnership with the Trump family’s WLFI is now the company’s master quest. To mark this shift in cosmic energy, Eric Trump rang the bell, presumably not mistaking it for a toast at a wedding, to herald Alt5’s transformation into the flagship WLFI treasury firm. Should you be confused, you’re doing it right.

And what do people say in these moments? “The honor of a lifetime to ring the opening bell…with my co founders,” Witkoff pronounced, possibly while wearing sunglasses indoors. “The future is bright.” Or at least, the lighting in the Nasdaq studio is.

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2025-08-13 22:55