Trump, Thumzup, and Coinbase Walk Into a $50M Crypto Bar – You’ll Never Guess What Happens Next

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Oh look, Thumzup Media just filed a $50 million secondary offering. $10 a share! No, seriously, it happened. Nasdaq is like, “Sure, why not, let’s make the indexes spicy.” All this dough is apparently going to crypto mining and this thing called a “multi-asset treasury.” Which is the business jargon equivalent of saying, “We’re rolling the dice and hoping NFTs aren’t just Tamagotchis for adults.”

The shopping list? Mining rigs (AKA: glorified space heaters), plus some XRP, BTC, ETH, SOL, LTC, USDC, and DOGE. That last one’s a Shiba Inu meme people keep trying to make into actual money, but don’t worry, your grandma’s coin purse is safe. 🐶💸

Here’s their plan: Grow the pool of magic internet beans to $250 million. Also, up to 90% of Thumzup’s liquid assets will now be crypto, so basically, the corporate treasury is about to look like a Reddit day trader’s Robinhood account. 🙃🚀

Thumzup Expands Crypto Treasury (What Could Possibly Go Wrong?)

Robert Steele-who sounds like he should be solving crimes, not running a Nasdaq business-is calling this a “strategically managed” digital asset move. Which is just corporate for “we’re hoping for the best, prepping for memes.” Coinbase Prime gets to be the adult in the room, babysitting the assets and probably sighing a lot between crypto surges.

They even disclosed a Bitcoin-backed credit facility for May 2025. It’s totally normal for companies to borrow against the thing that can drop 20% because Elon Musk tweeted something weird. Totally fine, Wall Street, totally fine. 👀

Mining Push And Capital Use (Everyone Loves a Good Hash Rate)

So, $50 million gets split between mining gear, and crypto shopping sprees. Think power, machines, and the chance to accidentally black out half of New Jersey. If it works, great-passive income! If prices tank…well, get ready for some very creative accounting.

Thumzup has not, I repeat NOT, given a detailed schedule for their hash rate increase. So if you’re waiting for those miner yield numbers, grab a snack and maybe a sleeping bag.

Peers And Market Moves

Meanwhile, other corporate suits are playing musical chairs with crypto custody. Vivopower is teaming up with Crypto.com (because someone watched too many superhero movies). Metaplanet Inc. in Japan announced a 468% Bitcoin yield, which means someone either hacked the matrix or the copywriter spiked the punch. 18,113 BTC, $2.1 billion, which makes me really question my life choices as I write this wearing pajamas.

So Thumzup’s jumping in at the exact moment Bitcoin’s flexing at an all-time high. Timing matters here, folks. Or maybe it’s just elaborate astrology for Wall Street. 🌑💹

A Risky Bet For Shareholders?

If crypto prices go up, awesome! Thumzup gets to do their victory lap. If 90% of the company’s liquid assets go down as fast as they went up, well, let’s just say there are gonna be a lot of awkward boardroom PowerPoints. 📉

The mining expansion has “possible disaster movie” written all over it if things go sideways. Mix in the company’s association with President Trump’s family and yeah, the media will be watching. Closely. Maybe buy popcorn stock instead? 🍿

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2025-08-15 04:29