OMG! Monero in Knicker-Twisting Panic Over Crypto Rogue! 😱

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Right. So, massive drama. The Monero people, who are usually busy being terribly clever and cryptic, have had a complete and utter spaz-attack. Apparently, some ghastly mining pool called Qubic tried to nick all their hashrate, or something. It’s all kicked off.

Codebase, Schmodebase. Panic Stations! ☕

So after all that palaver with Qubic’s supposed 51% attack-which is a bit like someone trying to takeover the WI, only with more computing power and less jam-the Monero boffins have shoved their FCMP upgrade into overdrive. It’s all happening frightfully fast now, testnet launch imminent, etc., etc. They say it’s a “significant technical leap.” I suspect it’s more a case of running about screaming, “Do something!”

The supposed upside is that everyone can now verify transactions without revealing who they are or how much money they’ve spent on useless crypto tat. Secondly, it’ll make those frightfully boring cryptographic proofs happen faster. We’re talking a reduction from “I’ve-got-time-to-make-a-cup-of-tea-and-watch-a-full-episode-of-Neighbours” to “just-enough-time-to-check-Tinder.” Progress!

They’ve also been “cleaning up the codebase.” This is developer-speak for having a massive clear-out, like when you find three-year-old hummus at the back of the fridge. They’re removing redundant code to make it all less bug-prone. One shudders to think what was in there before. 🪳

This is all, obviously, a desperate bid to look competent and reassure everyone after the Qubic fiasco. They’re even apparently nicking bits from Dash’s tech, which is a bit like copying your friend’s homework but changing the font.

No one is entirely sure if Qubic even managed the attack, but it gave everyone a lovely excuse for a brief, hysterical sell-off. XMR price did a massive flounce, plummeting dramatically before deciding, actually, no, $250 is a much better look. Typical.

The Great Hybrid Solution Debate: Yawn 🥱

All this has, of course, sparked yet another unbearably earnest debate in the crypto community. A man from Dash called it a “fascinating experiment.” A *fascinating experiment*? It’s like calling a herd of elephants stampeding through your kitchen a “surprise interior design consultation.”

He then went on to say it was an “evolve or die” moment, which sounds terribly dramatic and probably requires a stiff drink.

This has everyone chattering about a “hybrid consensus solution” for Monero. It sounds like a Prius. Very sensible, but not exactly cool. Some key developer is apparently keen, which means precisely nothing because getting the Monero lot to agree on anything is like herding cats. Very clever, privacy-obsessed cats.

The Dash man says another coin already has this hybrid thingy. But he thinks the Monero community is split 50/50 on the idea. Right. So half are for it, and half are against it, which means absolutely nothing will get decided, and they’ll all just keep arguing on Twitter forever. Perfect.

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2025-08-27 21:58