Ethereum ETFs Bleed Cash-Is Bitcoin Drowning Too?

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If you’re the sort who checks their crypto portfolio more often than their own pulse, this morning delivered a fresh thrill: the kind you get when a stranger coughs on the subway right after you read an article about new viruses.

According to Farside Investors, a name that sounds suspiciously like a mutual fund run out of a region where Wi-Fi is considered witchcraft, Ethereum ETFs sprung a leak-$164 million oozed out, marking their first day of losses in almost a week. That’s impressive if you consider that, since mid-August, over $1.5 billion had been shovelled in by people presumably basing financial decisions on vibes and Reddit threads. 🤑

Bitcoin ETFs, not wanting to be upstaged, took their own swan dive: $126 million sashayed out the door. And in case you’re wondering, yes, assets under management still look like Monopoly money-$28.6 billion for ETH, almost $140 billion for BTC. That’s a lot of zeroes for a day the markets spent losing it.

Fidelity’s FBTC took the biggest wallop (a casual $66 million gone), with ARKB sneezing away $72 million. Grayscale’s GBTC, never one to be left out, dropped $15 million. The only ones enjoying themselves-like smug vacationers ordering poolside drinks while everyone else fights for shade-were BlackRock’s IBIT, pulling in $24.6 million. 🍹

Inflation Data, Tariffs, and Trump: A Love Story

This financial melodrama coincides with the Fed releasing the core PCE inflation report. Turns out, inflation is up 2.9% year-on-year in July-its “hottest” pace since February. “Hot” is economists’ way of saying your paycheck now buys fewer lattes. Apparently, Tariff Maestro Donald Trump helped orchestrate the soundtrack by jacking up import fees. Services, those things you didn’t know cost more until the bill arrived, are up 3.6% from last year. You can thank the former president for making everything from haircuts to dog walking just a bit more “exclusive.” 💸

Despite the chaos, markets are still placing gentle bets on a rate cut at the Fed’s September meeting-assuming the labor data doesn’t show that everyone’s quit their jobs to become NFT influencers.

Ethereum: The Drama Queen Who Still Steals the Show

True, daily flows are down, but Ethereum’s longer-term performance reads like an Instagram influencer’s highlight reel-rosy, possibly photoshopped, and definitely not what’s happening behind the scenes. Since launching in July 2024, ETH spot ETFs have steadily fattened their coffers, with August inflows up 44%. The running total? $13.7 billion. I’d settle for half that (and a quiet life in the south of France).

Corporate treasuries, apparently immune to the existential dread gripping retail investors, now hold more than 4.4 million ETH, or roughly $19 billion. That’s about 4% of the circulating supply-which means, if ETH were a rare cheese, these companies own a wedge the size of Wisconsin. 🧀

This article is for entertainment purposes only. Seriously, if you’re planning to invest your lunch money in cryptocurrency because of something you read here, may I suggest a therapist-or at least a helmet. Your financial advisor isn’t David Sedaris, so act accordingly.

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2025-08-30 13:59