Figure Files for $526M Nasdaq IPO-Are We Serious? 😂

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Oh, great. Another blockchain company jumping into the stock market like it’s a Splash Mountain ride. Confused face Led by Mike Cagney-ex-SoFi big shot, or should I say, “former”?-who’s probably just in it for the money, right? Because nothing says “trustworthy” like blockchain and a shiny new IPO! Money flying $526 million? For what, more digital magic? And a $4.1 billion valuation? Wow, let’s give them a trophy for dreaming big. Or should I say, dreaming wildly? Laughing

the blockchain lender, apparently pretending to be a bank, files for a big fat IPO-$526M, just like that. Stock market

  • Mike Cagney-who, I kid you not, used to run SoFi-still holding the voting power. It’s his game, his rules, his ego. Classic. Boss

    • Crypto companies are like that one uncle at the family reunion-everyone’s talking about him, nobody really understands him, but he’s always there, trying to make a splash in the “traditional” pond. Splash So, on Tuesday, September 2nd, here comes Figure, filing for an IPO with the SEC. It’s the big leagues, folks! SEC They wanna raise $526 million-serious stakes, huh?

    They’ll debut on Nasdaq, ticker FIGR-sounds like a robot, doesn’t it?-with shares costing between $18 and $20. If they hit the top at $20, wow, their valuation jumps to $4.13 billion. Billion with a B! More zeros than my bank account after when I forget my PIN. Money Remember, this isn’t some startup garage; these guys had a valuation of $3.2 billion back in 2021-so they’re not new to the game. And Mike Cagney? Still holding the reins, because why not? Power’s a funny thing, isn’t it? Power

    Figures and Finances-Behind the Curtain

    Now, get this. They made $190.6 million in six months. That’s almost a quarter billion! And they only lost $29.1 million-small potatoes, right? Last year, they made $156 million, so somehow, they’re doing better-more revenue, less loss. A miracle! Celebration They started out providing home equity lines of credit and crypto loans-because who wouldn’t want to gamble on digital money? So far, they’ve facilitated a whopping $16 billion in loans. That’s enough to buy… well, a lot of bitcoin, I guess. Bitcoin

    Last but not least, Mike Cagney-once CEO of SoFi, a “super-app” for finance-left amid some *allegations*, but hey, who’s counting? Started Figure in 2018, right after, probably, a little legal caffeine boost. Coffee Because nothing says “trust me” like blockchain, billions of dollars, and a guy who’s been around the block a few times. Or a few legal hurdles. Anyway, good luck to them! Or not…Smirk

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    2025-09-02 21:08