Right, so China’s Next Technology Holding-because apparently, stuffing mattresses with cash is passé-has decided to flog $500 million of its own stock to buy more Bitcoin. Because nothing says “stable investment strategy” like dumping half a billion into digital monopoly money. 💸
In a filing that probably gave the US securities regulator a migraine, the company cheerfully announced: “We’ll use the money for ‘general corporate purposes,’ which definitely, absolutely, 100% includes buying Bitcoin (wink, wink).” Because why specify when you can just shrug and say “stuff”? 🤷♂️
Currently, Next Tech sits on 5,833 Bitcoin-worth a casual $671.8 million-making it the 15th largest Bitcoin hoarder. That’s right, they’ve beaten out such financial titans as GameStop (because NFTs weren’t enough of a gamble) and KindlyMD (which presumably accepts Bitcoin for prescriptions). Data courtesy of BitcoinTreasuries.NET, the internet’s most niche spreadsheet. 📊
If they throw even half of that $500 million into Bitcoin, they’ll bag another 2,170 shiny digital coins, pushing their total above 8,000. At this rate, they might as well rename themselves “Next Satoshi Holdings” and start accepting payment in memes. 🐶
They’re not alone in this madness-oh no. Public companies everywhere are mortgaging their futures (literally) via stocks, bonds, and even SPACs to get their grubby hands on Bitcoin. Because who needs diversification when you can YOLO into crypto? 🎲
There are now 190 public firms clutching Bitcoin like a security blanket, holding over 1 million coins-5% of the entire supply. Leading the pack? Michael Saylor’s MicroStrategy, with a cool 639,000 Bitcoin. Because nothing says “hedge against inflation” like betting your entire company on a volatile digital asset. 📉📈
Investors React With Enthusiasm (Not)
Spoiler: the market was thrilled. Next Tech’s shares immediately plummeted 4.76% to $0.14 (yes, fourteen cents), then nosedived another 7.43% after-hours. Because nothing inspires confidence like a firm announcing, “We’re selling stock to buy internet money.” 📉
But hey, at least their Bitcoin stash is up 266.7%! Because when you bought at $31,386 per coin and the price moons, paper gains are basically real money, right? (Ask your accountant. Or don’t.) 💰
The “Strategy” (Air Quotes Mandatory)
Next Tech insists they’re playing it cool-no rigid targets, just vibes. “We’ll monitor market conditions,” they say, which roughly translates to: “We’ll panic-buy if Elon tweets ‘BTC’ again.” Meanwhile, rivals Metaplanet and Semler Scientific are aiming for 210,000 and 105,000 Bitcoin respectively. Because why dream small when you can dream in Lambos? 🚗💨
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2025-09-16 07:43