What ho, old bean! A spot of bother in Washington County, where two bounders have been federally charged for a dashed audacious kidnapping and an $8 million crypto pilfering. A nine-hour ordeal, no less! 🕰️💸
A Crypto Caper of the Most Eggregious Sort
The U.S., in its infinite wisdom, has charged a pair of cads-Raymond Christian Garcia, 23, and Isiah Angelo Garcia, 24-for a jolly unpleasant home invasion. Armed to the teeth with an AR-15-style rifle and a shotgun, these chaps stormed a family’s residence on the morning of September 19, according to the U.S. Attorney’s Office. A regular circus, what?
The scoundrels were collared in Texas on September 22, after a bit of a lark across state lines. The following day, they were hit with a laundry list of charges in Washington County: three counts of kidnapping with a firearm, one count of first-degree aggravated robbery, and three counts of first-degree burglary. Not exactly the sort of chaps you’d invite to tea, eh? 🍵🚔
On September 24, federal kidnapping charges were tossed into the mix, and the duo was expected to face the music in court the next day. Acting U.S. Attorney Joseph H. Thompson, in a splendid display of gravitas, declared:
“A violent kidnapping that stole $8 million and put the kibosh on a homecoming game is not merely a crime. It’s a dashed nuisance to the peaceable lives of Minnesotans. Every fellow deserves to live without such tomfoolery!” 🏈🤬
During the escapade, one of the brothers-a regular Svengali with a shotgun-forced the paterfamilias to transfer vast sums of cryptocurrency to a designated address. The chaps were reportedly in cahoots with a mysterious third party, who fed them instructions like a particularly nefarious navigator. Even a hardware wallet at a family cabin, three hours away, wasn’t safe from their clutches! 🚗💽
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the victim’s son seized a golden moment when Raymond Garcia popped out for a spot of fresh air to ring up 911. The constabulary arrived to find the wife and son trussed up like Christmas turkeys. Raymond, the bounder, scarpered, leaving behind a suitcase with a disassembled rifle, ammunition, and-get this-beverages! Isiah, not to be outdone, ditched the victim’s truck near Mahtomedi Public Schools, causing a homecoming game to be canceled. What a washout! 🎓🚨
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2025-09-26 12:57