Eric Trump Says Bitcoin Will Hit $1M & You Won’t Believe Why! 🤯

by

Key Takeaways (Or, Things That Sound Smart But Could Also Be Wild Guesses)

  • Eric Trump predicts Bitcoin will hit $1 million-right after he finishes his third espresso. ☕
  • Demand is surging, mostly from people who missed out on Dogecoin. 🐕
  • Countries are mining Bitcoin with surplus energy because hoarding gold is so 20th century. ⛏️
  • ETFs and retirement plans are now Bitcoin’s biggest fans, replacing that one guy in your DMs. 📈

In his latest remarks-which may or may not have been delivered while standing on a soapbox made of solid gold-the son of a certain former U.S. President declared that Bitcoin is hotter than a laptop running Crysis on max settings. According to him, everyone from your grandma’s investment club to entire nations are now frantically piling into crypto like it’s a Black Friday sale at the Metaverse Walmart.

Trump, who presumably has a crystal ball (or at least a very optimistic Excel spreadsheet), suggested Bitcoin’s price could someday hit $1 million, a number so large it makes even Monopoly money blush. “The big players want it,” he said, “which is ironic because Bitcoin was supposed to stick it to the big players. Oh well.”

From Energy Reserves to Corporate Vaults (Or, How to Turn Electricity into Hopium)

Trump pointed out that nations are now mining Bitcoin with spare energy, because apparently, burning excess electricity for imaginary internet coins is more productive than, say, powering hospitals. “It’s genius,” he explained, “like turning your leftovers into a Picasso-except the Picasso is just numbers on a screen.”

“This is a global reallocation of value,” he said, possibly while adjusting his tie made of blockchain print. “Bitcoin is here to stay-unless, of course, it isn’t.”

Bitcoin Enters the Mainstream (Finally, Something to Talk About at Awkward Dinner Parties)

Trump credited ETFs and retirement plans for making Bitcoin accessible to the masses, which is great news for anyone who’s ever thought, “You know what my 401(k) needs? More volatility.” He also took a playful jab at skeptics, noting that Bitcoin’s price has been “too expensive” at every milestone since roughly the invention of the abacus.

Faith in the Digital Economy (Or, How to Sound Visionary Without Actually Explaining Anything)

Trump praised his company, AmericanBitcoins, for bridging the gap between old money and new money-though whether that bridge is made of solid gold or wet cardboard remains unclear. “I’m proud,” he said, possibly while high-fiving a hologram of Satoshi Nakamoto.

He wrapped up with a bold proclamation: “Bitcoin will define wealth in the future,” he declared, conveniently ignoring the fact that wealth in the future might also be defined by how many Mars rocks you own.

Disclaimer: This article is not financial advice. It’s barely even English. Consult a professional (or a magic 8-ball) before betting your life savings on something you read on the internet. 🎱

Read More

2025-11-09 11:37