In an age where the winds of fortune shift faster than the pages of a Soviet-era dissident’s manifesto, Bitfarms-a once-proud collective of Bitcoin miners-has declared its intention to abandon the digital gold rush in favor of the silicon phantoms of artificial intelligence. By 2027, the company’s mining rigs will be relics, repurposed into temples of AI computation. How poetic, that the tools once used to forge cryptographic chains now seek to enslave humanity to algorithms! 😂

Let us marvel at the Washington site’s transformation: a former 18-megawatt cryptomining vault, now to be “upgraded” with liquid-cooled GPUs. By December 2026, it will stand as a monument to humanity’s unyielding quest to be ruled by machines. The announcement, made on Nov. 13-a date suspiciously close to the Ides of March-hints at a betrayal of capitalist proportions. 🚨

Bitfarms, in its wisdom, has secured a $128 million pact with a shadowy data center oligarch. Together, they will supply “critical IT hardware”-a phrase that surely conceals more than it reveals. One wonders if the workers, like Soviet engineers of old, will toil in ignorance of their true purpose. 🤔

“Imagine,” declares CEO Ben Gagnon, “a world where our GPUs generate more profit than Bitcoin!” A visionary, this man. He speaks of “GPU-as-a-Service,” a concept so revolutionary it might even distract shareholders from their existential dread. 🌀

The masses of Bitcoin miners, once kings of their niche, now scurry like rats fleeing a sinking ship. The 2024 halving-a cruel act of cryptographic austerity-left them no choice. With margins thinner than a gulag inmate’s patience, they pivot to AI, where “recurring revenue” dances like a mirage in the desert. 🌵

Bitfarms’ 2025 financials? A masterclass in cognitive dissonance. Revenue soars 156% year-over-year, yet net losses swell to $46 million. Analysts, ever optimistic, had predicted a mere 2-cent loss per share. Clearly, capitalism’s math is as flexible as a KGB interrogation tactic. 📉

But fear not! Shareholders, those eternal optimists, rally behind the pivot. The stock, buoyed by AI’s “boom,” has soared-proof that even a blind squirrel can find a nut, if the forest is on fire. 🔥

To fund this grand delusion, Bitfarms seeks $500 million via “convertible senior notes”-a financial incantation that promises to enrich all without diluting ownership. A miracle! Or perhaps a Ponzi scheme with better branding. 🎩

Conclusion: The Revolution Will Be Algorithmic

Thus, the miners trade pickaxes for GPUs, chasing the next illusion of control. In the end, whether it’s Bitcoin or AI, the lesson is eternal: capitalism is merely socialism for the shareholders. 🏛️

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2025-11-14 11:18