One presumes the financial world still staggers on, though God knows why, after Donald J. Trump-bless his indomitable orange soul-unveiled yet another legislative grenade disguised as patriotism. This time, the scheme allows the United States to impose tariffs of up to 500% on any unfortunate nation still impolite enough to trade with Russia. One imagines the French, sipping their wine and importing Siberian gas, now clutching their pearls in unison. Mon dieu!
The idea, so the reasoning goes (and one must squint very hard to see it), is to starve the Russian war machine of funds. A noble aim, perhaps, if one weren’t aware that geopolitics now plays out like a reality television feud with tax consequences. Naturally, the crypto markets-those delicate barometers of global sanity-have responded in kind: by flinging themselves headfirst off a cliff.
What’s In the Bill? (Or: The Theatre of Fiscal Absurdity)
Marvel at the bill’s audacity! It grants His Excellency sweeping powers to levy a 500% tariff on any country so gauche as to purchase Russian oil, gas, or indeed, a single Matryoshka doll on eBay. The logic appears to be: “If it moves, tax it into oblivion.”
Lindsey Graham, that ever-dramatic senatorial actor, offered his contribution to world peace with characteristic bluntness: “If you buy from Russia and don’t support Ukraine, your goods will face a 500 percent tariff.” One pictures him saying this while dramatically clutching a bald eagle. 🦅
JUST IN: President Trump approves bill allowing 500% tariffs on countries trading with Russia.
– BRICS News (@BRICSinfo) November 17, 2025
Trump, ever the showman, declared Republicans were prepping “very tough sanctions”-as though sanctions were a military-grade detergent. One trembles to imagine the next act: perhaps a 900% tariff on caviar? A 1,000% duty on melancholic Tchaikovsky LPs?
This all follows the recent doubling of tariffs on India-mercifully only keying up to 50%, as though India had committed the grave sin of exporting too much yoga and competent IT professionals. And yes, stricter measures are “on the horizon.” Doom, it seems, is seasonally recurring.
Crypto Sell-Off: The Panic Party Begins 🍾📉
The crypto markets-traditionally the brainchildren of over-caffeinated libertarians and under-dressed bros in Miami-responded with their usual grace: mass liquidation and public weeping. Bitcoin, having only just recovered from its stumble to $94,000 (because of course it was that high), promptly resumed its impression of a collapsing soufflé.
In the past 24 hours, a mere $620 million in positions were wiped out. Six hundred and twenty million! One could buy an entire principality with that-perhaps Liechtenstein, if one bargained hard. Some 152,000 traders were forcibly removed from the game, not unlike guests ejected from a particularly rowdy cocktail party.
The pièce de résistance? A single $30.6 million BTC-USD order executed on Hyperliquid. One shudders to think what prompted it: a Twitter feud? A typo? A midlife crisis?
As for the altcoins-those perennial also-rans-XRP wobbled like a debutante at a bullfight, Solana spun like a dervish with motion sickness, and Cardano, ever stoic, merely looked resigned. Meanwhile, Ethereum has once again found itself flirting with the $3,000 level-perhaps in search of therapeutic relief.
Crypto Market to Plummet Like a Drunk Acronym 📉💣
Every time a trade war flares up, crypto responds as though personally insulted. Recall the good old days-well, not good, but older-when Trump announced tariffs on China, and the crypto market lost $200 billion in days? Bitcoin dropped nearly 10% in a single sitting-faster than a politician’s promise at a fundraiser.
Now, with a tariff five times more ludicrous than previous models, analysts (those oracles of doom in pinstripes) warn of a potential 10% to 20% drop across the board. Imagine: Bitcoin at $75,000. Or less. One might need smelling salts. Or gin.
Is this sound policy? Who knows. Is it theatre? Absolutely.
Is crypto overreacting? Probably.
Will someone make a fortune anyway? Undoubtedly.
Until then, we shall watch, sip our Martinis (shaken, not explained), and marvel at the circus. 🤡🎪
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2025-11-17 09:24