Kalshi Steals Crypto Crown with $1B Heist-Kraken’s $200M Ploy Exposed! 🚀💸

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In the frozen tundra of 2025, where dreams are mined like Bitcoin and hope is currency, the week of November 16-22 bore witness to a spectacle of modern alchemy: $1.42 billion transmuted into crypto VC deals across 16 projects. A circus of capital, perhaps? Or a dystopian ballet?

  • Crypto VC funding soared to $1.42B, with Kalshi’s $1B raise-enough to buy a small island and name it after itself.
  • Kraken, ever the showman, pocketed $200M at a $20B valuation, while Doppel’s $70M Series C raised more than eyebrows.
  • Smaller rounds included WizzWoods ($10M), Solomon Labs ($8M), and RateX ($7M)-proof that even ants can build empires… if they’re paid in memes.

Kalshi’s $1 billion raise, a sum so vast it could buy a lifetime supply of existential dread, crowned this era of financial theater. Sequoia, CapitalG, and AI6Z-modern-day Midas figures-lurked in the shadows, their pockets lined with paper promising futures that may or may not exist.

Kalshi

  • Kalshi’s $1B raise (valuation: $11B) reads like a fairy tale for the 1%. Sequoia and AI6Z, the puppeteers, now hold the strings of a “regulated” prediction market. One wonders what they predict about their own obsolescence.
  • Total funds raised: $1.52B. A tidy sum for a platform where fortunes are gambled on geopolitical outcomes. Because nothing says “stability” like betting on wars.

Kraken

  • $200M secured, valuation: $20B. Haun Ventures, the oracle of this chaos, now bets on Kraken’s global expansion. One imagines a boardroom filled with existential crises and spreadsheets.
  • Total fundraising: $800M. A price tag that could buy a lifetime of therapy… or a single NFT of a cat.

Doppel

  • Doppel’s $70M Series C, backed by Bessemer and AI6Z, funds an AI-powered “digital risk protection” platform. A poetic irony, given the risks of AI itself.
  • Total funds raised: $124M. Enough to build a moat around the castle of digital paranoia.

Obex

  • Obex’s $37M round, led by Framework and LayerZero, funds stablecoin incubation. A noble quest to stabilize a world that thrives on volatility. 🤷

1/ We’ve officially raised $37M in a round led by @hiFramework, @LayerZero_Core, and @SkyEcosystem.

$2.5B will also be deployed by Sky into projects incubated by Obex.

Our mission: Provide teams with capital to launch innovative, yield-seeking stablecoin projects on Sky.

🧵👇

– Obex (@obexincubator) November 18, 2025

Deblock

  • Deblock’s $35M Series A, led by Speedinvest, funds a crypto wallet. A digital piggy bank for the technologically addicted.
  • Total funds raised: $63.81M. A sum that could buy a lifetime of blockchain-based regret.

Today, we’re excited to announce our €30m Series A funding round.

Led by @speedinvest , along with @commerzventures and Latitude, and supported by existing investors Shapers, @HeadlineVC, Chalfen Ventures, and @triton_xyz (formerly Kraken Ventures), this round will enable us to…

– Deblock (@DeblockApp) November 19, 2025

Numerai

  • Numerai’s $30M Series C, at a $500M valuation, funds a hedge fund run by algorithms. A utopian vision for some, a dystopia for others.
  • Total funds raised: $51.5M. A modest sum for a project that bets on the future… of betting.

Projects Under $30 Million

  • WizzWoods ($10M): A venture so small, it could fit in a coffee cup. ☕
  • Solomon Labs ($8M): Valued at $20.64M. A reminder that in crypto, the future is always overvalued.
  • RateX ($7M): Strategic round. Strategic, perhaps, but not enough to outbid a single influencer’s tweet.
  • Immunefi ($5M): A public sale with a $133.70M valuation. A math problem for the ages.
  • HelloTrade ($4.6M): Seed round. A seed for what? A tree of capital? 🌱
  • BOB (Build on Bitcoin) ($4.2M): Public sale. Because nothing says “innovation” like a public plea for money.
  • 0xbow ($3.5M): Seed round. A bow to the gods of decentralization.
  • ZENi ($1.5M): Seed round. Zen-like patience required to watch this grow.
  • Mu Digital ($1.5M): Unknown round. A mystery wrapped in a startup.
  • Vooi ($1.25M): Public sale. A sale of dreams, perhaps.

Read our last week’s crypto VC funding report from here. Or don’t-history is written by the winners, and they’ll probably cash out first. 🚨

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2025-11-22 17:55