BitMine’s ETH Hoard: A Tale of Numbers, Moonshots, and 🧙‍♂️ Alchemy

Ah, the grand theater of crypto! Behold, BitMine, the modern-day alchemist, has unveiled its treasure-a staggering 3.63 million ETH. Yet, their proclaimed average purchase price of $2,840 has sent the analysts into a frenzy, scratching their heads and muttering, “The math, it does not compute!” 🧮✨

This revelation is no trifle, for BitMine inches closer to its grandiose goal of hoarding 5% of all Ethereum, a feat Fundstrat has dubbed the “Alchemy of 5%.” 🧪⚗️

BitMine’s Coffers Overflow: $11.2 Billion in Crypto, Cash, and “Moonshots”

On the fateful day of November 24, BitMine (BMNR) proclaimed its holdings: $11.2 billion in crypto, cash, and-what’s this?-“moonshots.” Among the spoils: 3,629,701 ETH, 192 BTC, a $38 million stake in Eightco Holdings, and $800 million in unencumbered cash. Truly, a feast for the financial gods! 🤑🚀

🧵
BitMine’s latest holdings update for Nov 24th, 2025:

$11.8 billion in total crypto + “moonshots”:
-3,629,701 ETH at $2,840 per ETH (@coinbase )
– 192 Bitcoin (BTC)
– $38 million stake in Eightco Holdings (NASDAQ: ORBS) (“moonshots”) and
– unencumbered cash of $800…

– Bitmine (NYSE-BMNR) $ETH (@BitMNR) November 24, 2025

According to BitMine, this ETH hoard was amassed at a mere $2,840 per token. At current market prices above $2,900, the venture is-barely-profitable. A triumph, or a mere sleight of hand? 🤹‍♂️💰

Chairman Thomas “Tom” Lee, with a flourish, declared that BitMine now holds 3% of the Ethereum network. “Two-thirds on the way to the ‘Alchemy of 5%,’” he proclaimed, to which the crowd responded with applause-or was it sarcasm? 👏👏👏👏

Weekly Purchases: A Symphony of Accumulation

BitMine’s weekly ETH purchases reveal a relentless appetite, with sizeable inflows throughout October and November. Behold, the table of their conquests:

Period (Week ending)

Quantity of ETH Purchased

This accumulation cements BitMine as the largest ETH treasury globally, second only to MicroStrategy’s BTC hoard. A titan among titans, or a castle built on sand? 🏰🏜️

Lee, ever the optimist, attributed the crypto downturn to “impaired liquidity since October 10” and weak technical conditions. Yet, ETH had already flirted with the $2,500 level, as Fundstrat had foretold. 🧙‍♂️📉

BitMine’s BMNR stock has soared, becoming one of the most actively traded in the US, with an average daily volume of $1.6 billion. A star on the rise, or a bubble waiting to burst? 🌟💥

The Analysts Cry Foul: “$2,840? Preposterous!”

Despite the fanfare, skeptics emerged from the shadows. Lookonchain estimated BitMine’s average purchase price at $3,997, implying an unrealized loss of $4.25 billion. Others chimed in, calculating an average closer to $3,800 to $4,000. The numbers, they insisted, do not lie-or do they? 🤥📊

BitMine, ever the enigma, has yet to address the discrepancy. Will they clarify their accounting, or continue their march toward the “Alchemy of 5%”? The world watches with bated breath-and a healthy dose of skepticism. 🌍👀

As MAVAN prepares for deployment in 2026 and BMNR climbs the ranks, BitMine’s treasury strategy remains a central saga in the Ethereum ecosystem. Will they achieve their alchemical dreams, or will the numbers prove their undoing? Only time-and the market-will tell. ⏳💹

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2025-11-25 12:22