Crypto ETFs: The Coming Crash? 😱

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So, apparently, everyone and their dog is launching a crypto ETF. Like, everyone. Apparently over 100 are due to hit the market in 2026. Which sounds…optimistic. And, predictably, an analyst (James Seyffart, Bloomberg, very serious job title) is suggesting most of them will be dead in the water by 2027. Honestly, I’m not surprised. It’s like opening a shop selling exclusively mood rings – briefly trendy, then destined for the clearance bin. 🤷‍♀️

Seyffart agrees with Bitwise (another impressively named firm) that the ETF floodgates will open, but thinks the public will rapidly realise they possibly, maybe, didn’t need an ETF tracking, oh I don’t know, the price of unicorn farts, or whatever the latest crypto obsession is. There are currently 126 applications with the SEC just waiting to be rubber-stamped. It’s like they’re just… throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks. Which, let’s be honest, is generally how I approach online dating. 🙄

Apparently, 622 ETFs closed last year – 189 of them in the US ALONE! And the poor things barely made it to 5.4 years old. Five. Point. Four. Years. That’s, like, less time than it takes to properly learn a sourdough starter. They all died of a tragic lack of interest, and insufficient funds. A fate worse than being stuck in a conversation about NFTs at a party.

Basically, if your crypto ETF doesn’t have enough people throwing money at it, it just…vanishes. Like a perfectly good dating app match. This year, even ARK 21Shares’ Bitcoin and Ethereum ETFs (ARKY and ARKC, so very techy sounding) decided to call it a day. Poor things. 😭

The SEC’s Doing What Now?!

Apparently, the SEC (the people who are supposed to protect us from financial shenanigans) are making it easier to launch these things. New rules mean they don’t have to individually scrutinise each and every application. Which, if you ask me, is a bit like letting a toddler loose in a sweet shop. It’s going to be chaos. 🎉

And people are already filing for ETFs tracking… hold on to your hats… Melania Trump’s meme coin. Yes, you read that correctly. The world has officially gone mad. 🤦‍♀️

Thankfully, some are doing okay. Litecoin, Solana, XRP – they’re all doing alright. Though, admittedly, I still don’t fully understand what any of them do. Bitcoin and Ether are still the reigning champions, apparently raking in billions. Solana’s doing okay too, with a respectable $725 million. But honestly, at this point, I’m just anticipating the inevitable collapse. It’s the only sensible thing to do. 🍷

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2025-12-18 07:42