Bitmine’s ETH Stash Soars: 3.37% of Supply? More Like 3.37% of Sanity! 🚀💰

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Bitmine Immersion Technologies, that paragon of fiscal prudence, has declared that its crypto holdings, cash reserves, and “moonshots”-a term that now evokes more skepticism than hope-are worth roughly $13.2 billion. A figure so grand, it could buy a small island, a few satellites, and a lifetime supply of existential dread.

Their ETH hoard has swelled to 4.07 million, accompanied by a mere 193 BTC, as if these were mere trinkets in the grand tapestry of digital wealth. One might wonder if they’ve confused a piggy bank for a vault.

Aggressive Weekly ETH Purchases

According to the official communiqué, Bitmine has also staked a $32 million claim in Eightco Holdings, a venture so nebulous it merits the label “moonshot,” while its cash reserves stand at a paltry $1 billion. Its ETH holdings, representing 3.37% of Ethereum’s total supply, are a number so precise, it’s almost as if they’ve been counting every single token with a magnifying glass and a spreadsheet.

Thomas Lee of Fundstrat, the company’s self-proclaimed oracle, hailed this as a monumental achievement, declaring, “This is a tremendous milestone achieved after just 5.5 months. We are making rapid progress towards the ‘alchemy of 5%’-a goal so lofty, it’s practically a religious experience.” One can only imagine the sermons they’ll deliver when they reach that elusive 5%.

CoinGecko’s data reveals that Bitmine now commands the largest Ethereum treasury, a title that might be more of a curse than a crown, and the second-largest global crypto treasury, a position that places it just behind Michael Saylor’s Strategy, which hoards 671,268 BTC, a sum that could buy a small nation. Or, more likely, a very expensive yacht.

Bitmine’s shares have become a favorite among traders, ranking among the most actively traded in the U.S. Fundstrat’s figures show an average daily trading volume of $1.7 billion, a figure that places the stock at rank 66 among 5,704 US-listed companies, trailing Wells Fargo and surpassing Chevron. A testament to the market’s unending fascination with financial jargon and vague promises.

ETH Momentum Faces Test

Bitmine persists in its accumulation strategy despite the crypto market’s recent downturn, a feat akin to swimming against a hurricane while wearing a tuxedo. Ethereum’s price has cautiously rebounded, reclaiming the $3,000 threshold on Monday before plummeting again on Tuesday, a dance of hope and despair that would make a tragic opera seem upbeat.

Ethereum is approaching a resistance zone of $3,150-$3,200, a barrier that may test the resolve of even the most ardent believers. Past price reactions suggest a rejection here could send ETH tumbling to $2,750-$2,800, a descent reminiscent of a well-timed punchline. Or a poorly timed investment.

Crypto analyst Ted Pillows, that venerable sage of crypto, suggests that a daily close above $3,000 could ignite a surge toward $3,300. Conversely, a failure to hold this level might see ETH retesting the $2,700-$2,800 range, a pattern as predictable as it is disheartening. One might say the market is playing it safe, but then again, nothing in crypto is ever safe. Except, perhaps, for the fees.

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2025-12-23 11:21