Coinbase Just Got a ‘Buy’-And I’m Already Selling 😏

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Oh, wonderful. Coinbase (COIN) just got a “buy” rating from Bank of America. Because nothing says “rock-solid investment” like a Wall Street bank suddenly discovering a crypto exchange after it lost 40% of its value. Bravo. 👏

Yes, the same folks who told us mortgage-backed CDOs were “safe” now think Coinbase is primed for a 2026 glow-up. Apparently, after making some “major acquisitions” in 2025-read: bought a couple of startups with names no one remembers-they’re now more than just a place to lose money on Dogecoin. They’re going full service. Soon you’ll be able to trade Bitcoin, stocks, ETFs, and-wait for it-prediction markets. Yes, because when I think “financial security,” I think, “Let me bet on whether fidget spinners will make a comeback.”

Bank of America Wakes Up (3 Years Late)

Cue the heroic entrance of Craig Siegenthaler, Bank of America’s leading analyst, who just looked at Coinbase and said, “Huh. This thing has products. And a price! And-wait-is that valuation?”

According to Craig-yes, we’re on a first-name basis now because I’ve seen his photo; smug, glasses, looks like he’s always smelled a bad kombucha-Coinbase is suddenly compelling. Why? Because (A) they’re releasing features faster than Larry David cancels HBO shows, and (B) the stock tanked 40% since July. Wow. Real deep insight there, Craig. “It’s cheaper now!” Groundbreaking.

Also, get this: they’re trying to become the “everything exchange.” Like Amazon, but instead of one-day delivery, you get 2-day withdrawal holds and a pop-up asking if you’ve done 2FA this time. Revolutionary. 💡

$340 Price Target (Says Who? Says Him)

Now, Bank of America slapped a $340 price target on this rollercoaster. That’s a 38% rally from here. Which sounds great-until you remember it’s still $100 below where it was last year. So “buy” really means “maybe don’t panic sell… yet.”

They’re especially excited about Base, Coinbase’s Layer-2 on Ethereum. Which, sure, sounds fancy. “We built our own blockchain lane!” Look, if you told me my highway had a “Coinbase Express Pass,” I’d still be stuck behind a Tesla doing 52 in the fast lane. It doesn’t feel faster.

And then there’s Coinbase Tokenize-a suite so innovative it promises to combine “issuance, custody, compliance, and access.” In other words: paperwork, storage, more paperwork, and a login screen. But streamlined! 🚀

And apparently, the P/E ratio has “compressed.” (Translation: it got cheaper because people gave up.) But hey-better than being “rich and wrong,” right?

And wait-plot twist-a future Trump administration could bring “sizable tailwinds.” Oh, fantastic. So the fate of this groundbreaking crypto empire hinges on a guy who probably thinks “Ethereum” is a brand of laundry detergent. “It dissolves the stains, Don!”

In the grand finale, Bank of America envisions Coinbase “solidifying its dominant role.” Sure. And I envision myself finally making it to Whole Foods before they sell out of arugula. Neither may happen.

But hey, if you’re feeling lucky and you’ve already maxed out your 401(k) in GameStop, go for it. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you when the “everything exchange” can’t process your withdrawal because of “unexpected network congestion.” Again. 😑

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2026-01-09 08:14