Senate Bungles Crypto Bill Again 😳👖🪙

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Momentum behind U.S. crypto reform-already frailer than a politician’s promise at an election dinner-sputtered into irrelevance this week, as lawmakers, in a fit of bipartisan lethargy, postponed yet another vote that no one particularly wanted to win.

how to regulate stablecoin rewards (apparently, earning 5% interest on your digital pesos counts as a national crisis), who gets to boss around decentralized finance (the SEC or CFTC, neither of whom understand it), and whether elected officials should be allowed to crypto-trade while legislating crypto-shockingly, some members find this

problematic

, likely because they haven’t recouped their FTX losses.

Senate leaders, displaying the courage of field mice, are refusing to force a vote without a “clear path forward.” How very daring. A failed or partisan markup, they fear, might doom the bill later in the year. Heaven forbid-especially as congressional calendars fill up with more pressing matters like ribbon-cuttings and photo ops with babies named “Bitcoin.”

The CLARITY Act: A Noble Attempt to Bring Order to the Bedlam

The CLARITY Act-formerly masquerading as the Digital Asset Market Clarity Act of 2025-was designed to rescue the United States from its current state of crypto anarchy: a realm governed not by laws, but by enforcement actions issued by regulators with the temperament of Victorian headmasters.

The bill would, in theory, settle once and for all whether a given digital doodad is a security (the SEC’s domain) or a commodity (the CFTC’s turf, which they guard like a terrier with a slipper). It further proposes federal rules for exchanges, brokers, and custodians-mandating things like asset segregation, which sounds important, like wearing socks with sandals, but probably stops you from losing everything in a hack.

Supporters insist this clarity (hence the name, which is either ingenious or redundant) would replace the SEC’s current “punish first, explain later” strategy-familiar to anyone who’s ever been summoned to the headmaster’s office for a crime they didn’t commit.

The House, bless its bipartisan heart, passed its version mid-2025 amid cheering and general goodwill-largely because no one actually read it. The Senate, being slower, more corrupt, and significantly more confused, has struggled to align on language that pleases everyone: crypto bros, regulators, banks, and firms that pretend they’re not just money launderers with PowerPoint.

Industry groups now issue dire warnings: last-minute changes may “cost the bill their backing.” A tragedy. Nothing ruins momentum quite like principled withdrawal-especially when the principle in question is “not losing money.” Some lawmakers, struck by a sudden pang of ethics, are pushing for restrictions on elected officials’ crypto dealings. One wonders how many crypto wallets will be hastily liquidated into “charitable donations” if such a rule passes.

By pushing the markup to late January-a date traditionally reserved for abandoned New Year’s resolutions-Senate leaders hope to refine the language and rebuild consensus. One pictures them in dimly lit rooms, sipping lukewarm tea, imploring each other: “For God’s sake, can we just agree that Bitcoin is not a potato?”

Whether this effort succeeds-whether the CLARITY Act advances or perishes in obscurity-remains uncertain. But one thing is clear: the only certainty in Washington is delay. And perhaps that, in its own way, is clarity enough. 😏🕰️📜

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2026-01-13 05:36