In a stunning twist of cosmic irony, the Yen has risen like a particularly smug goose while cryptocurrencies have plummeted faster than a poorly timed joke about blockchain in a room full of accountants. Bitcoin, once the star of the crypto galaxy, now slinks about like a deflated balloon at a party for robots.
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Japanese Bond Yields: The Unlikely Villain
Meanwhile, Japanese government bonds have surged to multi-year highs, seemingly out of spite for anyone who ever doubted them. The Bank of Japan, in a rare moment of decisiveness, has hinted at hiking rates to curb the yen’s recent dive. Citigroup analysts predict three hikes this year, which is either a plan or just a really aggressive guess.
Prime Minister Sanae Takaichi’s promise of tax cuts has only deepened the chaos, like a magician revealing their tricks mid-act. Higher interest rates in Japan now pose a threat to Bitcoin and other risky assets, as the long-running carry trade unwinds like a poorly tied shoelace.
Trump’s Trade War: A Toddler’s Global Strategy
President Donald Trump’s decision to impose new tariffs on allies-because nothing says “leadership” like threatening your friends-has sent shockwaves through the crypto world. His recent social media rant about Greenland, delivered just before a fancy Davos event, has left the EU considering retaliatory tariffs worth €93 billion. One can only assume this is how intergalactic toddlers start wars.
Trump’s insistence on “getting” Greenland, even if it means violating international law, has prompted Denmark and Greenland to sigh collectively. The Supreme Court’s impending ruling on these tariffs is expected to be as enlightening as watching paint dry, but traders are betting against it anyway. Why not? It’s not like the market needs more clarity.
Futures Market: A Cosmic Game of Jenga
The crypto market’s woes are compounded by a collapsing futures market, where open interest has plummeted to $136 billion. This is bearish news for anyone who enjoys investment, which is to say, no one. When open interest drops and liquidations rise, cryptocurrencies tend to follow, like lemmings at a stock market.
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2026-01-20 19:01