Crypto Week: Fed, Tesla, and Bybit’s Secret Plans!

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What to know:

After weeks of Bitcoin’s price being as constrained as a courtier in a tight corset-trapped between $85,000 and $95,000-the crypto market may finally find a reason to break free from its doldrums on Wednesday, when the Federal Open Markets Committee, that paragon of economic wisdom, sets U.S. interest rates.

May, that is. Not will. The consensus, 97% of the crowd, is that the Fed will keep rates steady, as if they’ve memorized a script. As ever, what’s said at the post-decision press conference may be more influential than the decision itself-though one suspects the Fed’s words will be as thrilling as a sermon on austerity.

It’s the start of U.S. earning season, a time when investors, ever the curious spectators, fixate on Tesla, that electric-car charlatan, and its Bitcoin hoard, a treasure that places it among the 13th most affluent corporate entities. One wonders if Elon Musk’s next tweet will be a financial report or a poem about the cosmos.

Bybit, the second-largest crypto exchange, is also likely to be in the news. Its CEO, Ben Zhou, will unveil the company’s 2026 roadmap, a plan as ambitious as a man who just lost $1.4 billion to North Korean hackers. One can only hope their “new financial era” is less chaotic than their recent past.

What to Watch

  • Crypto
    • Jan. 28, 1 p.m.: Hedera Network, in a bid to upgrade its mainnet, will take a mere 40 minutes to complete its transformation-surely a feat of engineering that will leave us all in awe.
    • Jan. 29, 3 a.m.: Bybit CEO Ben Zhou, in a keynote titled “BUIDLing a New Financial Era,” will likely remind us that even after a hack, optimism is the key to success.
  • Macro
    • Jan. 26, 8:30 a.m.: U.S. durable goods orders, a metric so dull it could lull a bear into hibernation.
    • Jan. 26, 10:30 a.m.: U.S. Dallas Fed manufacturing index, a number so negative it could make a pessimist weep.
    • Jan. 27: U.S. ADP employment change, a report so eagerly anticipated it’s like waiting for a royal decree.
    • Jan. 27: U.S. S&P/Case-Shiller home price YoY, a measure of real estate’s resilience that’s as reliable as a courtier’s promises.
    • Jan. 27, 6:50 p.m.: Bank of Japan monetary policy meeting minutes, a document so obscure it’s best read by a librarian with a PhD in economics.
    • Jan. 27: Australia inflation rate, a figure so low it might as well be a joke.
    • Jan. 28, 9:45 a.m.: Bank of Canada interest rate decision, a moment of high drama where nothing ever changes.
    • Jan. 28, 2:00 p.m.: Fed interest rate decision, a decision so predictable it’s like watching a play with a spoiler-filled script.
    • Jan. 28, 2:30 p.m.: Fed press conference, where the real drama begins-though the outcome is already known.
    • Jan. 29, 12 a.m.: Japan consumer confidence, a metric as fickle as a lover’s sigh.
    • Jan. 29, 8:30 a.m.: U.S. balance of trade, a number so large it’s best calculated by a mathematician with a calculator.
    • Jan. 29, 8:30 a.m.: U.S. initial jobless claims, a report that could make a stock market analyst weep.
    • Jan. 29, 6:30 p.m.: Japan unemployment rate, a figure so low it’s practically a miracle.
    • Jan. 30, 5 a.m.: European Economic Area GDP growth rate, a statistic so complex it requires a PhD to understand.
    • Jan. 30, 8:30 a.m.: U.S. PPI YoY, a measure of inflation that’s as reliable as a weather forecast in a storm.
  • Earnings (Estimates based on FactSet data)
    • Jan. 28: Tesla (TSLA), post-market, $8.22-surely a number so high it’s a testament to investor confidence.

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2026-01-26 12:26