Comcast’s $117M ‘Apology’ to Victims: A Tale of Digital Absurdity

by

In a grand gesture of corporate contrition worthy of a Chekhovian farce, Comcast-architect of modern life’s digital plumbing-has elected to disburse $117.5 million to millions of its victims, victims who may or may not have been aware they were victims until now.

The breach, a veritable feast for hackers in 2023, saw usernames, passwords, and the last four digits of Social Security numbers exposed to “unauthorized third parties,” a phrase that feels less like an admission of guilt and more like a polite nod to the chaos.

Of the 31.6 million affected souls, some will opt for $50 in cash-a sum that could buy either a coffee or a fleeting sense of dignity-while others will settle for free credit monitoring, a service that may or may not prevent the next identity thief from becoming their new best friend.

A federal judge, perhaps amused by the absurdity, has tentatively blessed the settlement, setting a final hearing for July 7th. One wonders if the court’s calendar is marked in red ink for such theatrical proceedings.

Comcast, in a statement that reads like a haiku of deflection, insists the payout is a “commitment to resolving this matter efficiently,” as if efficiency could erase the memory of stolen birthdays and contact lists.

“Though we disagree with the claims,” they wrote, “this settlement reflects our commitment to security and privacy.” A sentiment as reassuring as a locked door in a house made of matchsticks.

Read More

2026-02-17 22:31