Bitcoin Ghosts, Rogue Bankers & The Not-So-Smart Crypto Circus: This Week’s Recap Will Make You Regret Not HODLing

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Some weeks the crypto world gently hums along, and sometimes it flings a bag of cats into the machinery and wonders why it’s making that noise. This was one of those weeks. Here’s a tale of dormant wallets waking up (like that undergraduate you haven’t heard from since the party in ‘09), wildly optimistic lawyers, cyber-burglars who clearly watched one too many heist movies, and—inevitably—someone, somewhere, trying to mine Bitcoin in the dark with subsidized lightbulbs. 🕵️‍♂️💸

Satoshi-era wallets, usually as lively as last season’s fruitcake, have suddenly started moving coins and sending Twitter into full tinfoil-hat mode. Meanwhile, in Brazil, hackers decided that regular money-laundering was for amateurs, so they used crypto to rinse their ill-gotten gains, thus inventing “pro-level laundering.” And FTX, always up for a dramatic court appearance worthy of its own soap opera, is now begging the authorities to let them hand out assets to people in countries they usually try not to mention at parties. 🍾

If that wasn’t enough, Robinhood and Deutsche Bank joined a suspiciously growing list of suits trying to sound cool by saying “blockchain” without giggling. Ripple’s still desperate to look legit, so they got a new payments partner, while Bitcoin treasury beasts MicroStrategy and Metaplanet decided what they needed was, obviously, *more* bitcoin. Because what could possibly go wrong? ⚡

Buckle up—here’s what happened this week that made everyone but Satoshi want to lie down with a cold compress.

FTX Seeks Permission to Play in the “You Probably Can’t Play Here” Sandbox

  • The FTX Recovery Trust filed some paperwork so thick you could use it as a doorstop, asking a judge to let them distribute assets in “restricted jurisdictions.” Translation: “Hey judge, can we have a go at paying out people where we probably shouldn’t?”
  • This includes places like China, Russia, Ukraine, Pakistan, and Saudi Arabia—because nothing says “safe and stable recovery plan” quite like involving countries on every compliance officer’s recurring nightmare list. 🌍

IMF to Pakistan: “No Free Bitcoin Mining Electricity for You!”

  • Pakistan really, really wants cheap electricity for mining bitcoin because someone told them “mining” means infinite coins. The IMF, however, has pointed out that subsidized electricity and Bitcoin go together like hedgehogs and hoverboards: funny in theory, painful in practice.
  • Dr. Fakhray Alam Irfan, who presumably regrets picking up the phone that day, reported the IMF’s concern about “market distortions,” which is technocrat-speak for “Are you kidding me?” ⚡💡

SEC: “We Approve!… Nope, Wait, We Don’t.” The Grayscale Shuffle

  • The SEC, never one to miss a chance for drama, approved the Grayscale fund for trading—then changed their mind faster than a hamster near a mousetrap. Just one day later, approval was suspended. Somewhere, fund managers are still frantically refreshing their inboxes.
  • Deputy Secretary J. Matthew DeLesDernier sent a very official-sounding letter saying, in essence, “Let’s think about this.” The NYSE’s collective sigh was audible from the Moon. 📉

When Banks Try to Sound Hip: Deutsche Bank’s Crypto Custody Plans

  • Deutsche Bank—who knows all about safeguarding money, just don’t ask them about 2008—announced plans to launch a crypto custody service. Because if you can’t beat the Bitcoiner nerds, you might as well wear a hoodie, right?
  • They’ve signed up Bitpanda to help. One assumes the dress code will be somewhere between “banker chic” and “blockchain bro.” 🏦🤓

Nobitex in Iran: “We’re Back! (Sorta, Maybe, Please Don’t Hack Us Again)”

  • Nobitex, Iran’s biggest crypto platform, is gingerly rebooting services after a $90 million hack—proving that “turning it off and on again” is sometimes the bravest move in IT.
  • If you’re a Verified User, rejoice: you’ll soon regain access to your wallet, but don’t try to do anything too exciting. The rest of the features are still locked up tighter than a dragon’s treasure chest. 🐉

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2025-07-06 16:22