Elon Musk Ushers in the Age of Bitcoin and Borscht: Trump Fumes, Wallets Tremble!

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Allow me, dear reader, to introduce an event so fantastical it might have been dreamt by a sleep-deprived bureaucrat reciting the alphabet backwards: Tesla’s turbulent maestro, Elon Musk, has emerged from his technological fortress with a revelation befitting a czar or, at the very least, a man who enjoys bewildering accountants – his freshly minted America Party is embracing none other than Bitcoin. Yes, Bitcoin – that shimmering, intangible ruble for those who feel traditional currency is simply too…tangible. 🤑

To an X user who inquired if Bitcoin would be welcomed, Musk, never one to spill a syllable without an audience, replied, “Fiat is hopeless, so yes.” One wonders if his bank manager fainted upon reading this, or merely developed a mysterious twitch in one eyebrow.

Musk’s Crypto Sideshow (Bring Popcorn)

Musk, that inveterate conjurer of headlines, is an old acquaintance of Bitcoin; perhaps even its most unpredictable pen pal. Tesla, under his reign, slithered its way into digital fortune, holding Bitcoin in the company coffers as if they were stashing golden turnips for winter.

Remember that time—oh, just another Tuesday—when Tesla tossed $1.5 billion into the Bitcoin pit in 2021? It was a move as subtle as a troika barreling down Nevsky Prospekt. Presently, Tesla allegedly holds 11,509 BTC (a number which only accountants, cats on keyboards, or Musk himself could love), roughly valued at $1.26 billion. To quote Bitbo—because why wouldn’t one quote something called Bitbo—Tesla is the ninth-largest hoarder of Bitcoin among the publicly traded classes. One can only imagine the company board meetings conducted exclusively in cryptograms.

Not content with conventional coins, Musk has a soft spot for Dogecoin: that canine-inspired crypto which soars and plummets in value each time Musk sneezes, winks, or posts an accidental emoji. 🐕

Meanwhile, an onlooker named Samson Mow (yes, that’s really his name) has proclaimed that embracing Bitcoin might give Musk an upper hand in his ongoing feud with the man whose hair is nearly as unpredictable as Musk’s tweets – Donald Trump. Mow further suggested Musk encourage Americans to purchase Teslas and even SpaceX tickets with Bitcoin – presumably, a move that would finally unite rocket scientists and meme traders in one glorious, baffled crowd.

In 2024, Musk, with an air of czarist mischief, dismissed using Bitcoin on Mars (where, one might note, the nearest ATM is approximately 54.6 million kilometers away during opposition). Later, as if revising his fantastical novel, he mused aloud that perhaps a localized Lightning Network could save Martian shoppers precious milliseconds at checkout. 🚀

One must also recall the curious incident of 2021, when Musk—ever the sentimental economist—decreed, “the price of Bitcoin was too high,” which was promptly followed by Bitcoin’s price swooning like a lovesick maiden at the gates of the Kremlin.

Trump, Musk, and the Art of the Sarcastic Duel

The tale would hardly be Russian, nor Muskian, without a duel! Like two roosters in a Petersburg alley, Musk and Trump now squabble over the so-called “One Big Beautiful Bill.” Musk, never shy to wave a rhetorical saber, called it “utterly insane and destructive,” prophesying unemployment and strategic gloom for all. The Bill, a mammoth monument to legislative extravagance, promises to sneeze an extra $3.3 trillion onto the national debt’s already teetering tower.

With the finesse of a satirist, Musk questioned Trump’s birthing of the DOGE (no, not that DOGE, the other DOGE), wondering aloud why one would create a debt-reduction mascot while inflating the debt until it resembles a hot-air balloon lost over Siberia.

Apparently weary of such antics, Elon began to hint, in that way only the obscenely wealthy can, that perhaps America needs a proper party—one that “actually cares about the people.” (Details, as always, forthcoming. Or not.)

Summoning the people to their digital polling booths, Musk watched, perhaps while nibbling caviar, as over 1.24 million whimsical souls voted. A vast majority clamored for the America Party—proving, if nothing else, that democracy and ennui are alive and well online. 🗳️

Musk, ever the poet, then observed: “When it comes to bankrupting our country with waste & graft, we live in a one-party system, not a democracy.” Some laughed, others wept, and a few bet Bitcoin on the quote being turned into a t-shirt.

Trump, upon learning he might soon have to share the stage with an electric car peddler-turned-party-founder, was reportedly displeased. He warned that Musk’s antics could fracture the Republican vote at the 2026 midterms, thus fulfilling the prophecy: give enough billionaires enough social networks, and eventually the national bird will be replaced by a golden dog meme.

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2025-07-07 09:55