Once, there was Metaplanet—a polite hotel management outfit, serving bland lobbies and laundering guest towels, the way Japanese corporations do, obediently, silently, as if eternity is spent under fluorescent light. But the world turns, and the ruble—sorry, yen—has fewer places to hide. Now, this Metaplanet, like a former prisoner who discovered his cell was made of papier-mâché, steps out into the blinding snowstorm of the Bitcoin age, pockets jingling with Satoshis, and hunger in its eyes.
For months, Metaplanet bought Bitcoin as if they were stockpiling potatoes before a Siberian winter, each satoshi lovingly stacked, each transaction a small rebellion. Now, they look around—Bitcoins amassed, fingers frozen to the ledger—and mutter to themselves: “Perhaps, now, the real mischief begins.” 🏦
Simon Gerovich, their CEO, tells the Financial Times—that gray cathedral of monetary hand-wringing—that he’s found gold in this digital dung heap. “A Bitcoin gold rush!” he declares, perhaps hoping not to hear back, “and what will we buy with our digital loot? Real businesses. With real cash. Yes, really.”
The strategy is elegant, in that uniquely corporate way: step one, buy all the Bitcoin that isn’t nailed down. Step two, take that massive heap—the digital spoils of war—shove it under the noses of bankers and lenders, and ask them for loans so sweet, so fragrant, that even government bonds blush in shame. “It’s just like depositing securities with banks,” they say, as if a banker has ever seen a cryptocurrency and lived to tell about it. 💰
“We need to accumulate as much bitcoin as we can to get to a point where we’ve reached escape velocity and it just makes it very difficult for others to catch up,” Gerovich said. “Then we have phase two when bitcoin, like securities or government bonds, can be deposited with banks and then they’ll provide very attractive financing against that asset.”
The plan is simple: gather capital, hunt down “profitable cash-flowing” businesses—the sort that would never dream of accumulating Bitcoin in the first place—and add them to the Metaplanet empire, which is now less hotel, more digital commissariat. Banking and financial services, perhaps: after all, why stop at merely confusing the accountants?
All this, they say, parroting Michael Saylor—the Bitcoin oligarch of Strategy—except, Gerovich says, “I won’t use convertible debt. I don’t want to have to pay back the money in three or four years.” Spoken like a true survivor of the GULAG of high finance; after all, why settle debts when you can just keep buying? “Sell our Bitcoin?” he laughs bitterly, “Not even if the last vending machine stops taking yen.”
Just yesterday, Metaplanet made its largest Bitcoin purchase yet: 2,205 BTC for 34.49 billion yen (about $238 million—enough to buy a small island or half a Tokyo apartment). This was funded by stock warrants and bonds, mechanisms so convoluted that even a Soviet bureaucrat would applaud the creativity. 📈
It’s a transformation worthy of a novel: from hotels to hodling, from manager to market manipulator. Today, they sit as the world’s fifth-largest corporate hoarder of Bitcoin. Their expenditures: $1.6 billion so far. Their ambitions: to clutch 1% of all Bitcoin—210,000 BTC—by 2027, because if you’re going to storm history, better to do it before breakfast. Who knows what comes next? Maybe Bitcoin-mining vending machines. Maybe just vending machines bought with Bitcoin. One thing is certain: nobody’s folding towels anymore. ⛏️🛏️
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2025-07-08 16:15