Crypto Chaos: XRP & More! 😱

A Weekly Dose of Digital Delirium

The Return of the Prodigal Crypto Companies

So, it seems America, in its infinite wisdom, now wants its crypto businesses back. As if they weren’t quite good enough before! SEC Chair Atkins, with a booming voice and a theatrical flourish, declared it’s time to “reshore” these digital wanderers. Someone remind me, wasn’t it just yesterday we were chasing them away with pitchforks and regulations? 🙄

Treasury Secretary Bessent chimed in, proclaiming a “golden age of crypto.” A golden age! One wonders if he’s looked at the charts recently. Perhaps he’s confusing it with the age of alchemists trying to turn lead into gold. Similar success rate, really.

Naturally, corporations are flocking back like moths to a particularly inefficient lamp. Kraken and MoonPay are expanding, presumably because the scent of regulatory ambiguity is irresistible.

Project Crypto: A Bureaucratic Ballet

The SEC, bless their hearts, has launched “Project Crypto” to “modernize.” Oh, to modernize! As if renaming the horse will make it run faster. The noble Atkins proposes easing licensing rules. It’s a stellar idea. Less red tape! Though I suspect the tape itself will simply become a different, more confusing shade of red.

And a grace period for early-stage projects? How generous! Let them innovate! Provided, of course, they don’t *actually* innovate too much or the SEC might get…nervous. It’s a delicate dance, this.

CFOs and Crypto: A Tentative Embrace

Apparently, 99% of CFOs plan to use crypto long-term. Ninety-nine percent! I suspect they’re hedging their bets, or perhaps they’ve simply given up on understanding the current financial landscape. Only 23% in the next two years, though. Prudence, it seems, prevails…for now. 🧐

Volatility is still a concern, naturally. And accounting complexity. And regulatory uncertainty. In short, everything is a concern. But hey, at least they’re *planning* to use it. That’s progress, I guess.

The British See the Light (Eventually)

The UK’s FCA has lifted the ban on crypto ETNs. It only took a few years, a global pandemic, and a healthy dose of existential dread. “The market has evolved,” they say. Yes, and so have we all, mostly towards widespread cynicism. But better late than never, I suppose.

CoinDCX: A Tale of Betrayal and Part-Time Gigs

A CoinDCX employee has been arrested in connection with a $44 million hack. Apparently, someone was moonlighting while supposedly securing millions in crypto. One can’t help but admire the audacity. And ask, what possessed them to think they wouldn’t get caught? A truly modern tragedy. 🎭

Winners and Losers (May God Have Mercy on Your Portfolios)

Bitcoin (BTC) currently languishes at $113,936, Ether (ETH) at $3,527, and XRP, bless its heart, is at $3.01. The total market cap: a hefty $3.71 trillion. A veritable mountain of digital sandcastles.

The week’s winners include Four (FORM), Toncoin (TON), and Story (IP). As for the losers? Fartcoin (FARTCOIN), Bonk (BONK), and Virtuals Protocol (VIRTUAL). I refuse to comment on Fartcoin. Some things are best left unsaid.

Words of Wisdom (or Something Like It)

Ted Pillows: “I think BTC could break above this level next month which will start the next leg up.” (A bold prediction! I await with bated breath.)

Ray Dalio: “[If] you were optimizing your portfolio for the best return-to-risk ratio, you would have about 15% of your money in gold or Bitcoin.” (Fifteen percent. A very…reasonable amount to risk on digital pixie dust.)

The DeFi investor: “Stablecoins are the product that can onboard the first billion people on-chain.” (If only onboarding involved less risk of losing everything. Just a thought.)

The Week’s Biggest Revelation

XRP’s Potential Rally: A Fleeting Hope?

XRP *may* be due for a 20% rally. *May*. This is crypto, after all, where “may” is often followed by “never” or “plummet.” A bullish divergence, they say. A sign of hope. Or a cruel mirage. We shall see.

The Dark Side of the Digital World

Hacks, Trials, and Taxes: Oh My!

Hacks topped $142 million in July! Scammers are having a field day, apparently. Tornado Cash co-founder Roman Storm is on trial, facing potentially decades in prison. And Indonesia has raised taxes on crypto. A delightful trifecta of woes.