Tom Lee’s BitMine Buys $3B in ETH: Did Someone Say Crypto Buffet?

by

Hold onto your wallets, folks—because BitMine just went shopping, and boy, did they buy in bulk. You ever walk into Costco for toilet paper and leave with $3 billion of Ethereum? No? Well, move over, normies, because BitMine is making “impulse buying” their full-time job. 🛒💸

According to BitMine (who apparently just discovered couch cushions are a great place to find spare billions), they’ve piled up 833,000 ETH. That’s $3.03 billion, give or take the price of a bagel in Manhattan, all in just over a month. If that’s not speed, I don’t know what is—someone get these folks into the Olympics. Or maybe a shopping spree reality show. 🏅

Now, here comes Tom Lee—co-founder of Fundstrat, currently moonlighting as BitMine’s board chairman, and probably dreaming of owning 5% of all Ethereum. That’s about 6,035,480 ETH, or roughly the weight of the moon in digital tokens.

“We blitzed through this like a herd of caffeinated accountants,” said Lee, probably wearing a cape. “From zero to 833,000 ETH in 35 days. Forget sports cars or tiny dogs—status symbols are out; hoarding ETH is in.”

“Meanwhile, our crypto NAV per share? Up like a soufflé. The stock’s more liquid than my bubby’s matzo ball soup.” 🥣

BitMine likes to fancy itself as a Bitcoin and Ethereum “network company.” Sounds fancy—basically, they buy boatloads of crypto and pay for it with whatever they can scrape together from mining and the international “finders keepers” law. Trinidad, Pecos, Silverton—if it’s hot, has cheap electricity, or just looks good on a PowerPoint, BitMine is probably there, plugging in more computers.

For those playing along at home, Ethereum was at $3,641 per token at the time of publishing. And up 4.02% since yesterday, which is either incredible or barely enough to buy half a cup of New York coffee. ☕🕺

Read More

2025-08-04 18:27