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It’s climbed a rather improbable 22% in the last 24 hours. A 62% weekly gain. Honestly, at this point, we’re beginning to suspect tiny, highly motivated hamsters are operating the exchanges. Meanwhile, AsterDEX (ASTER) is reportedly considering a career change. Perhaps interpretive dance.

On-chain data, that cold, unblinking eye of modernity, revealed a grim tableau. The percentage of ETH supply in profit plummeted below 60%, a number so mundane it could only inspire existential dread. Meanwhile, institutions, those titans of capital, retreated like peasants from a plague, their once-mighty demand now a whisper. Glassnode’s charts, once vibrant with hope, now resembled a funeral march for dreams sold on margin.

Ellison, now 30, has been gracing the halls of community confinement since October 2025, after a brief sojourn at Danbury Federal Correctional Institution. Her early release, a testament to good behavior and a silver tongue, is the stuff of which legal dramas are made. One wonders if the prison walls wept at her departure-or perhaps they simply sighed in relief. 😏

If you’re one of the unlucky souls who got fleeced during the Dec. 24-26 crypto carnival of chaos, fear not-Chen’s got a plan. According to her squawk on the X-perch, victims can mosey on over to a special domain to claim their lost loot. But hold your horses, partner-only the official dashboard will do. No side-show shenanigans allowed.

Ce gentil Robinhood, pour charmer ses courtisans, propose un événement où l’on gagne des Dogecoins et des bijoux à la mode des Rolex, mais qui, hélas, s’embrouille dans ses propres enchantements.

Crypto analysts are acting like they’ve discovered something groundbreaking. A “classic technical pattern”? Oh, great, another way to make you feel like a fool for holding. It’s basically a triangle that’s been waiting for Bitcoin to fall into it since the beginning of time. 🧠

In a delightful little post on X-because why not, darling?-PlanD was positively chirping about an ascending triangle formation appearing on the BTCUSD 4-hour chart. Imagine it, if you will: a bullish little pattern that arises when prices flirt with higher lows while being repeatedly rebuffed by a flat resistance line. It’s all very romantic, don’t you think?

In a recent chat with the wizards at CNBC, Klippsten waved away the recent volatility like it was a minor hiccup in a goblin’s tea party. “Bitcoin’s market structure is healthier than a troll after a spa day,” he declared, presumably while stroking an imaginary beard. 🧙♂️

The firm’s new report reads like a love letter to AI, waxing poetic about its “unprecedented speed and scale.” Apparently, AI isn’t just shaping the future-it’s bulldozing its way through it, dragging U.S. stocks to heights even Icarus would envy.

Stani Kulechov, the mighty leader of Aave Labs, spread his arms wide and proclaimed, “I did not use those AAVE tokens to meddle in the vote! They were just chilling there, no hard feelings!” He said the tokens were part of a cozy long-term plan, not a sneaky way to win hearts.