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On the date that one can only imagine gracing the annals of history—July 17—the esteemed Chairman of the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, Paul Atkins, announced with considerable gravitas that three cryptocurrency bills, like reluctant yet blissful reluctant dancers, had been twirled through the House of Representatives. He called this movement a pivotal pivot, a veritable pirouette in the dance of digital finance regulation, all in the name of sweet stablecoin integration.

In a plot twist straight out of a crypto thriller, three wallets linked to Korean exchanges Bithumb and Upbit have been on a buying spree. They’ve gobbled up a staggering 945 million PENGU in just one week, to the tune of $32 million. Now they hold a total of 2.92 billion PENGU, valued at nearly $97 million. This isn’t just your run-of-the-mill retail trading; we’re talking about some serious players getting in on the action. A vote of confidence? More like a shout from the rooftops!

So, here’s the deal: Nasdaq-listed Bit Origin, the company that’s probably gotten a few emails asking if they want to “buy Dogecoin at a discount,” announced plans on July 17 to launch a $500 million Dogecoin ( DOGE) treasury strategy. The company’s gotten cozy with accredited investors who are more than willing to fund this high-stakes gamble with $400 million in Class A ordinary shares and a cool $100 million in convertible debt. So, if you’re wondering what “conservative investing” looks like, this might not be it.

The numbers, much like the fervent declarations of our elected officials, are a testament to the unwavering dedication to progress: the Clarity Act, 294 to 134, with a veritable phalanx of 78 Democrats standing shoulder to shoulder with their Republican brethren; the GENIUS Act, a staggering 308 to 122, with 102 Democrats joining the fray; and the Anti-CBDC Act, a nail-biting 219 to 210, with a pair of intrepid Democrats breaking ranks to join the crypto crusade.

The crypto market saw over $337 million in liquidations, according to CoinGlass, but XRP stood out with a liquidation footprint of $415,610 in the last hour. 

The Dow Jones, in a move reminiscent of a toddler who just learned to walk, bounced up 180 points, a staggering 0.4%. It has really grasped the concept of “up.” The S&P 500, feeling extra special, climbed a hefty 0.48% while the Nasdaq, dressed in its finest tech attire, reported an impressive 0.79%. Don’t you just love a party where everyone feels like a winner? 🎉

Oh, the irony! The officer cunningly transferred these stolen Bitcoins to a digital wallet of infamous Silk Road 2.0 co-founder Thomas White. Baffling, isn’t it? From one shady character to another, like trading cookies in a lion’s den! 🦁🍪 After the transaction, it’s a hop, skip, and jump to a crypto mixer, because what’s a heist without a little mixing to keep the source a secret? But the blockchain gods were not so easily fooled; oh no, their eyes are everywhere! 🔍

Chowles, who pleaded guilty to theft and money laundering earlier this year, managed to pilfer 50 BTC (worth around $79,000 at the time) from White’s seized wallet. But alas, our cunning thief was not content with merely pocketing the digital loot. He attempted to hide his tracks using Bitcoin Fog, a crypto mixing service, and later converted some of the assets into cash or loaded them onto crypto-enabled debit cards.

According to the wise men at TradingView, Ethereum’s total market capitalization has surged past $420 billion, a feat not seen since the halcyon days of January 18, when the world was abuzz with the hype surrounding President Trump’s second-term inauguration.

Lo and behold, these digital gems, XLM and XRP, have outshone the less fortunate altcoins in the grand carnival of crypto. With a jaw-dropping leap of over 100%, XLM’s ascension is akin to that of a toddler discovering the wonders of sugar, while XRP managed to puff itself up by nearly 50%. Can you imagine their social media feeds? All “Look at me; I’m fabulous!”