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Claims of a 100 EH/s collapse were met with polite eye-rolling by pool-level data, which suggested the disruption was about as impactful as a hiccup at a black hole convention. The chaos began when Jack Jianping Kong, founder of Nano Labs (formerly Canaan co-chair), casually mentioned Xinjiang inspections had “knocked out 400,000 rigs and 8% of hashrate in a day.” Spoiler: He forgot to mention he was probably hallucinating.

Timmer once boldly claimed Bitcoin would outperform gold in the second half of 2025. Spoiler: Gold mooned Bitcoin so hard, it left a crater. 🌕 The digital coin? It’s been more “swoon” than “soar,” like a romantic comedy where the lead trips over their own feet.

Apparently, this makes Taiwan the eighth-largest government holder of Bitcoin worldwide. Not exactly the kind of bragging rights to put on your dating profile, but hey, it’s impressive. The government is now debating whether to turn these confiscated goodies into a formal reserve or just splash out and buy some more croissants with it. Decisions, decisions! 🤷‍♂️

The first act? A multi-year partnership with Intuit, that titan of TurboTax, QuickBooks, and Credit Karma. Imagine, dear reader, a world where your tax refund arrives not in days, but hours, while Circle’s USDC slithers into your small-business invoices like a serpent in the Garden of Finance. 🐍💰

Investors, those eternal dreamers, would gain regulated access to INJ-a cryptocurrency currently trading at $4.75, with a market cap that whispers of forgotten fortunes ($475.23 M). Volatility, that old nemesis, hums along at 5.9%, while 24-hour volume dances at $58.53 M. A ballet of chaos, perhaps? 🎭

Even as the economy whispers sweet nothings of cooling inflation and rate cuts, traders clutch their wallets tighter than a miser in a firestorm. Risk assets? They’re the uninvited guests at a party, shuffled to the curb with a polite nod and a shrug.

WazirX ZERO, that most enterprising of crypto schemes, has once again stirred the pot of Indian crypto enthusiasts. The latest twist? Users report being auto-subscribed to a paid plan, their wallets mysteriously lighter, all while withdrawals remain locked tighter than a tin of sardines in a Victorian pantry.

Key Takeaways (Because Who Has Time for the Whole Story?)

Imagine, if you will, the denizens of this social media realm gaining access to tokenized versions of US stocks and Exchange Traded Funds (ETFs) with naught but a tap upon their app’s wallet. A marvel, is it not? 📱💸

Now, let’s break it down like a bad dance move. Superform managed to close an oversubscribed public UP token sale that raked in more cash than a well-timed slot machine jackpot-more than double its initial target! 💰