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According to Reuters-that venerable chronicler of financial folly-the agreement is less a roadmap and more a drunken stumble toward blockchain-based alchemy. The Pakistani government, clutching its frayed ledger of assets, hopes to transmute bonds, bills, and even its dwindling reserves of oil, gas, and metals into digital gold.

With the solemnity of a five-year plan announcement, Ripple proclaimed on X (formerly Twitter, before Musk turned it into a meme graveyard) that the Rail deal is done. The press release practically writes itself: “Look, comrades! The most comprehensive end-to-end stablecoin solution!“-as if repeating it makes it true.

But hold your horses! The price ain’t fallin’ no more. It’s just sittin’ there, all squished up like a cat in a box. SHIB’s been cookin’ up some weird mix of a descendin’ range and a fallin’ wedge-whatever that means. Folks say this is usually where the market catches its breath before it either takes a stroll sideways or decides to tumble down another hill.

In particular, Bull Theory called it the “10am manipulation,” pointing to a previous post from December 8 where he explained the phenomenon and credited zerohedge as another source that is also calling out this suspect behavior. 🤝

🔓 New TPS record unlocked: 8,384!

This week, ZEC leaped like a gazelle on a sugar rush, soaring 9% to graze the $455 mark. A feat, indeed, in a market as stagnant as a pond on a summer’s day. Yet, the question lingers: is this the dawn of a new era, or merely a fleeting flirtation with glory? 📈🤔

In an X post that could be described as both informative and a cry for help, Crypto Sensei addressed the rumors that Amazon is about to unleash a 5 million XRP tidal wave on the world. Kendra Hill, whose theories about Ripple’s endgame rival the plot of a particularly confused sci-fi novel, suggested the altcoin is a Trojan horse for the derivatives market. Crypto Sensei, however, pointed out that there’s less evidence of this deal than there is of a unicorn running for president. 

If approved, Tether will launch a public tender to buy out remaining shareholders at the same price, fully funded with its own capital. Imagine, if you will, a man with a bottomless wallet offering to pay everyone at a dinner party in cash-while still keeping the wine. It’s the kind of generosity that would make Scrooge blush, if he weren’t already dead.

So, Solana’s been busy, eh? After what feels like an eternity (or just three years, but who’s counting?), the Firedancer validator has finally sashayed onto the mainnet stage. 🕺 Alongside the trusty Agave client, it’s here to save the day-or at least keep the network from face-planting during rush hour. Because, let’s be honest, Solana’s had more outages than a British train service. 🚆💨

Ethereum’s (ETH) price has rebounded with all the vigor of a civil servant on a Monday morning, but the structure of this rally is as suspect as a nose that grows with every lie. The asset has ascended into a bearish rising wedge, a pattern so notorious it could only be the brainchild of a market in its most absurdly melodramatic mood. Corrective moves, you say? But of course! What is life but a series of corrections, each more futile than the last?