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In a press release that reads like a romantic novel, Tether announces it’s teaming up with Adecoagro, a sustainability giant, on a renewable energy BTC mining project in Brazil. It’s like a match made in heaven, but with more solar panels and less harp music.

In a recent X post, analyst Hakan Kocabıçak shared a daily chart of BNB/USDT, highlighting a decisive breakout from a falling wedge pattern. The token has gained 2.63% and is currently trading at $663.31. 📈

The folks at CoinGlass are out here tracking the bloodbath. They see $783,000 in long liquidations, only $93,000 in shorts. So, basically, long traders got absolutely clobbered, while shorters? Eh, they barely broke a sweat. If this is “fair,” then I’m the Queen of England. 😂

A criminal organization concealed its activities through a Hong Kong-fronting business, which appeared to be a genuine Forex and cryptocurrency investment firm. This operation laundered approximately €460 million ($498 million USD), placing it among the most significant crypto-linked frauds ever uncovered in Europe.

Price action resembled a drunken waltz, BTC sashaying between $107,194 and $108,489—CoinDesk’s technical model presumably clutching its pearls the entire time.

The voice at the other end, equipped with frighteningly detailed personal intel, declared grave tidings. Monetary mayhem had befallen his account! Blissfully obedient, Mr. Schendel soon found himself hosting a door-to-door connoisseur of personal finance who swiftly expropriated his bank card and, with almost surgical relish, severed chip from credit plastic. She instructed him, with the air of one bestowing pearls before swine, to toddle down to the bank next day for a shiny new card.

Recently, this whimsical fantasy resurfaced thanks to the digital heralds at BitcoinNews21M (whose other hobbies surely include counting grains of sand and predicting the exact hour it will rain). Now, sober-faced gentlemen in stiff collars and excitable youths in pajamas argue feverishly: is Hal Mad or Merely Bold?

Yet—wait! What’s this? The great analyst Darkfost (one can only assume a distant cousin of Akaky Akakievich) waves a trembling finger at the on-chain charts and proclaims: behold, the short-term holder realized price ratio drops below 0.995! In simpler idiocy: the Snot-Nosed Speculators™ are dumping their bitcoins, facing losses with all the grace of a flock of startled chickens. This, dear reader, is supposed to be bullish. Historically, when weak hands are shaking, strong hands step forth—presumably holding both Bitcoin and strong, unsweetened vodka.

From the literary quill of one Denis Angell (a name almost too apt, as if summoned from the Book of Genesis for developers), the public now beholds the mystical scroll named XLS-56d. Supposing it slips past those gatekeepers otherwise subsisting on coffee, memes, and existential dread, it threatens to render asset transfers as smooth as a conman’s pick-up line at a charity gala. Wouldn’t you relish giving your wallet a workout—while paying less in gas than you would playing Mario Kart on a Sunday afternoon?

Now picture this: Charles Shrem – yes, that guy from the Blockchain Backer channel, the man with diamond hands and the patience of a rabbi at a brisket buffet – declares, “Hey, maybe XRP could knock Bitcoin off its throne!” Cue dramatic lightning and Bitcoin maximalists clutching their ledgers like grandma’s pearls.