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The voice at the other end, equipped with frighteningly detailed personal intel, declared grave tidings. Monetary mayhem had befallen his account! Blissfully obedient, Mr. Schendel soon found himself hosting a door-to-door connoisseur of personal finance who swiftly expropriated his bank card and, with almost surgical relish, severed chip from credit plastic. She instructed him, with the air of one bestowing pearls before swine, to toddle down to the bank next day for a shiny new card.

Recently, this whimsical fantasy resurfaced thanks to the digital heralds at BitcoinNews21M (whose other hobbies surely include counting grains of sand and predicting the exact hour it will rain). Now, sober-faced gentlemen in stiff collars and excitable youths in pajamas argue feverishly: is Hal Mad or Merely Bold?

Yet—wait! What’s this? The great analyst Darkfost (one can only assume a distant cousin of Akaky Akakievich) waves a trembling finger at the on-chain charts and proclaims: behold, the short-term holder realized price ratio drops below 0.995! In simpler idiocy: the Snot-Nosed Speculators™ are dumping their bitcoins, facing losses with all the grace of a flock of startled chickens. This, dear reader, is supposed to be bullish. Historically, when weak hands are shaking, strong hands step forth—presumably holding both Bitcoin and strong, unsweetened vodka.

From the literary quill of one Denis Angell (a name almost too apt, as if summoned from the Book of Genesis for developers), the public now beholds the mystical scroll named XLS-56d. Supposing it slips past those gatekeepers otherwise subsisting on coffee, memes, and existential dread, it threatens to render asset transfers as smooth as a conman’s pick-up line at a charity gala. Wouldn’t you relish giving your wallet a workout—while paying less in gas than you would playing Mario Kart on a Sunday afternoon?

Now picture this: Charles Shrem – yes, that guy from the Blockchain Backer channel, the man with diamond hands and the patience of a rabbi at a brisket buffet – declares, “Hey, maybe XRP could knock Bitcoin off its throne!” Cue dramatic lightning and Bitcoin maximalists clutching their ledgers like grandma’s pearls.

Let’s face it: The blockchain is here to solve every human problem, except, y’know, the ones it can’t. So, what do you do when you’ve run out of problems? You invent new ones with AI!

Quite astonishingly, nine of the illustrious twenty have chosen to strut upward, defying the mighty gravity with the panache of over-caffeinated ballet dancers.

By sundown (and perhaps by moonrise), wallets swollen by 1,000 to 10,000 ETH each swelled further, collectively hoarding 14.2 million ETH. Oh, those magnanimous mammalian creatures and their digital blubber!

Flush with fresh gold, the company promptly did what every over-caffeinated startup dreams of: threw over $20 million at Bitcoin, buying 196.8 shiny bits of it in one go. This is part of their “Wizardly 10-Year Plan,” which mostly involves stacking Bitcoins like dragon gold, only without the fire hazard.

Mullen, a company so edgy they make a butter knife look dangerous, is letting you buy their EVs—including the Bollinger, which I assume is not related to champagne—with cryptocurrencies. Bitcoin? Check. TRUMP coin? Sure, why not. Meme coins, stablecoins… next they’ll take Chuck E. Cheese tokens and frequent flyer miles. Who’s in charge over there, Willy Wonka? 🪙🎰