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Hellotrade, the brainchild of Wyatt Raich and Kevin Tang (formerly of Blackrock), has summoned a $4.6 million seed round in under a week-proof of capitalism’s love letter to the confused. The platform, built on MegaETH’s “high-throughput infrastructure,” shall democratize leveraged trading of stocks, ETFs, crypto, and commodities. All without wallets, gas fees, or the self-respect to demand a passport. One might call it Wall Street’s attempt to wear pajamas-and then outsourced to a bureaucratic council. 🤯

A parliamentary confession this week revealed a positively Dickensian scene: 14,000 premises caught red-handed fiddling with meters like amateur magicians since 2020. One does wonder if they’ve considered simply paying their bills like civilized people.

When one tosses CeFi’s meager offerings into the pot, the total crypto-collateralized loans reach a staggering $65.37 billion, a $21.12 billion surge from the previous quarter. A new pinnacle, surpassing the old record by a cool $11.93 billion. How quaint! 🤑 Yet, one mustn’t forget the potential for double-counting-those sly CeFi entities borrowing through DeFi protocols, only to lend off-chain. Ah, the tangled web we weave! 🕸️

Polygon has now processed over $10 billion worth of international stablecoins. This figure is their lifetime transfer volume. In fact, there is global money flowing on Polygon. This feat secures Polygon’s increasing place in the international financial world. It highlights the growing need for intelligent digital payment solutions. Or just a really good spreadsheet.

According to the most verified incident report in the universe, stake pool operators and exchanges were the first to notice the network hinting, “Hey, I think I need a break.” The investigation was conducted by a squad of independent ecosystem folks-think of them as the freelance detectives of the blockchain world-not exactly the kind to call for a centralized command. These brave operators looked at the issue, thought, “Hmm, patch it,” and did so voluntarily, because who needs authority when you have a sense of adventure? 🕵️‍♂️

Analysts are waving their hands saying, “Look here, folks, these are guesses, not gospel,” because who doesn’t love a good gamble, right? Past patterns? They’re like your ex-you think they mean something, but they don’t.

Ali Martinez, a market analyst who probably spends more time on X than you do at work, has identified two “local bottom” targets for Bitcoin. Since October’s all-time high, the coin has been on a rollercoaster ride, plunging to $81k and leaving investors wondering if their 401k is now a 401-baby. Martinez’s MVRV Pricing Bands-think of it as a diet chart for crypto-suggest two possible floors: $55,900 and $44,700. That’s a 35-48% drop from current prices, which sounds about right for a market that’s mastered the art of “buy the rumor, sell the news.” 😬

Pablo Sabbatella, the hero with a keyboard, says this isn’t just a one-off episode-no, it’s practically a sitcom. He warns, “The problem’s bigger than your Aunt Edna’s bad cooking.” 🍲🕵️‍♂️

But hold your horses! It’s perked up a mite, hoverin’ at $0.145 like a buzzard eyein’ a picnic. Analyst Ali Martinez spied somethin’ cookin’ in the charts-this “TD Sequential” doodad just hollered “BUY!” loud as a auctioneer. Last time it did that, DOGE sprouted wings and flew up 101.5%, like a rocket with a case of dynamite under it. If history repeats? We’re lookin’ at $0.30, boys-a sight not seen since two months past.

The 1-hour chart? A short-term uptrend so dramatic it belongs on Broadway-higher highs, higher lows, and a finale candle at $86,828 that screams “exhaustion!” with a long wick and all the enthusiasm of a tax audit. Translation: brace for a plot twist. 🎭