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The minutes, which are about as exciting as watching paint dry but with higher stakes, reflect economic data from a time when we were all still pretending 2025 wasn’t going to be a dumpster fire. The language inside has analysts clutching their pearls and dissecting every “many” and “several” like it’s a Shakespearean sonnet. 📜

While XRP faced a near 5% tumble to $2.10 in the early hours, it managed to stabilize around $2.18. Since November 10, it’s been caught in a seven-day selling spree, as if it’s auditioning for the lead role in the “Crypto Crash” sequel. The previous high of $2.58 feels like a distant memory, almost as distant as your motivation to work out today.

Iran has proposed a new plan to create a shared cryptocurrency for all ten members of the Shanghai Cooperation Organization, as reported by IRNA, the official Iranian news agency. Because nothing says “global unity” like a digital coin that’s less likely to be confiscated by grumpy bankers. 🧙♂️

Yes, folks, you heard it right. Kraken, through its parent company Payward, has decided that it’s time to file for an Initial Public Offering (IPO). So what’s the catch? Well, let’s dive in, shall we?

Bitcoin’s hashprice – the mystical daily value of one petahash per second of hashing wizardry – has tumbled to its lowest recorded level since Luxor began tracking it back when dinosaurs still had Wi-Fi in December 2016.

Long-term holders are in full panic mode. The trusty NUPL metric shifted from “Wow, look at those gains!” to “Is this the end of the world?” analyst Ali Martinez sums it up nicely: “Anxiety is creeping in as $XRP flirts with a drop below $2.” Yep, she’s a real flirt, and she loves drama.

Once dismissed as a “dino coin” (RIP, 2016), ZEC has clawed its way back from the dumpster fire of irrelevance. It’s now bulldozed over Shiba Inu (SHIB) – a dog with a meme, but no teeth – and even Stellar (XLM), which hasn’t been relevant since the invention of the wheel. All thanks to a privacy narrative so hot it could melt a GPU. 🔥

Aster, that mischievous scamp of a decentralized exchange, has decided to embrace the wild, woolly, and downright reckless side of crypto tradin’. Last week, they hollered from the rooftops about their newfangled feature, “Machi Mode.” This here contraption rewards traders for gettin’ liquidated-yes, you heard me right-with points. Seems they’re tipplin’ their hat to the “degen” crowd, them daredevils who think losin’ their shirts is just part of the fun. 🌪️

Let’s break it down, shall we? A petahash per second (PH/s) isn’t just a fancy metric-it’s the network’s way of saying, “Nope, you’re not hacking me today.” Back when LTC was at 1.7PH/s, they were celebrating like it was a Michelin star. Now? The new 3.7PH/s is so secure, even hackers are filing for early retirement. 💪

In a twist that would make even the most seasoned banker blink, HSBC is set to unveil its tokenized deposits for big-shot clients in the US and UAE by 2026. Bloomberg says, and who are we to question them? 🤷‍♂️