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The altcoins, bless their little digital hearts, are mostly still in the dumps. ETH’s looking like it lost its best friend, while XMR and CC are the only ones dancing like they’ve found a pot of gold. Go figure.

While BTC, ETH, and the heavyweights stumble through the market’s corridor, Hyperliquid holds its ground, a stubborn reminder that the wind can change direction and the crowd may still be wrong.

So, Tether made over $10 billion in profit last year. That’s right, billion with a “B.” Meanwhile, I’m still trying to figure out how to get my Venmo balance into the triple digits. Apparently, issuing USDT is the financial equivalent of printing money, except it’s legal. Who knew?

U.S. financial regulators advanced a coordinated approach to digital asset oversight through a new interagency effort. A joint collaboration between the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) and the Commodity Futures Trading Commission (CFTC) is centered on harmonizing crypto market regulation as Congress moves toward market structure legislation.

Momentum is fading, selling pressure isn’t sprinting, and the bears are running out of clean downside moves to squeeze out. XRP printed a string of lower highs and lower lows in a descending channel for months, and every rally got knocked down before it even warmed up. The trend control? It’s clearly with the sellers.

So, Tether-the folks behind USDT-are trucking gold to a Swiss vault like it’s the plot of a bad heist movie. Why? To back their digital dollar and gold-backed token, XAUT. Because nothing says “stablecoin” like a Cold War-era nuclear bunker full of gold.

Technically speaking, when Chainlink locks up a part of its total supply, it’s like putting a “Do Not Disturb” sign on its coins. Higher prices are supposed to follow, right? But wait! If demand is low, then we’re left with a scarcity-driven rally that never quite gets off the couch.

Picture this: Armstrong’s mid-chat with Tony Blair (yes, that Tony Blair), and Dimon swoops in like a hawk on a mission. Finger pointed, he drops the mic with a classy “You are full of s–,” according to the Wall Street Journal. Because nothing says “professional rivalry” like a good old-fashioned insult at a coffee meeting.

Prediction markets went wilder than a Hot Girl Walk on Adderall, with Warsh’s odds soaring past BlackRock’s Rick Rieder faster than you can say “crypto crash.” Speaking of which, Bitcoin BTC $82,382 (24h volatility: 1.7%, Market cap: $1.64 T, Vol. 24h: $78.37 B) took a nosedive to $82,700. Because nothing says “confidence” like a digital currency reacting to a Fed chair nomination like a teenager at a breakup.

This year, the signs are about as subtle as a mule in a china shop. Technical signals, like a blind man at a phonograph, hinting that trouble’s brewing; while some wise folks pluck at the strings of hope, whispering that a comeback ain’t out of the question. Here’s what the figureheads are mumbling about.