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In a recent X post, Raoul Pal announced that Ethereum has already hit the “full port” button, suggesting it’s primed for a rally so spectacular, it might make your socks spontaneously combust. 🧯 He even shared an ETH chart showing it had broken free from a long-term consolidation, like a prisoner escaping from a particularly tedious book club. But wait, there’s more! XRP, our underdog friend, is also gearing up for a massive breakout, akin to ETH’s recent escapades. It’s in the “full porting” process, which sounds suspiciously like a spaceship maneuvering for a warp jump. 🛸

Just in the past 12 hours, he sold 2,000 BTC-yes, 2,000!-worth a monstrous $221 million. And what did he do with that cash? Oh, he *obviously* spent it all on 49,850 ETH, which is now sitting in his wallet like a pride of greedy little Ethereum coins. 🐆

Now, corporations got themselves about 3.7% of all the ETH floating around out there. Bitmine’s sitting pretty on $7.81 billion worth, SharpLink trailing behind with a measly $3.48 billion. And ETH itself? Up 80% in two months, strutting around at $4,378 like it owns the place. Makes a man wonder – are these suits chasing the price like dogs after a meat wagon, or do they know where the bodies are buried? 🤔

Bitcoin (BTC), the king of all memes and memecoins, has decided to grace us with a 1.23% dip over the last 24 hours. Because, why not? 🤷‍♂️

So Julio Moreno, some big shot at CryptoQuant, tweets on August 29 that $112,000 is the magic number. Yes, the “magic number.” It’s like Bitcoin is at some weird crossroads-do you go up? Do you go down? It’s the crypto equivalent of waiting for a text back… and then staring at your phone like a lunatic. The “Trader Realized Price” (fancy term for what short-term Bitcoin holders paid) is sitting right around $112,200, which apparently is a big deal. Above that, folks feel rich and start buying more. Below that? Panic. Classic.

According to Farside Investors, a name that sounds suspiciously like a mutual fund run out of a region where Wi-Fi is considered witchcraft, Ethereum ETFs sprung a leak-$164 million oozed out, marking their first day of losses in almost a week. That’s impressive if you consider that, since mid-August, over $1.5 billion had been shovelled in by people presumably basing financial decisions on vibes and Reddit threads. 🤑

Convano, which traditionally painted nails with precision and floral motifs, is now scheming to hoard roughly 21,000 Bitcoin-about 0.1% of the entire digital currency universe-by 2027. Apparently, the yen is about as stable as a soap bubble, and the company thinks hoarding cryptocurrency might save its skin (and perhaps make a tidy profit while at it). 🧾💣

According to Bloomberg’s James Seyffart (yeah, I know, another Bloomberg guy), Canary Capital/Marinade, Franklin Templeton, and VanEck were first in line to file their updated forms. Then, like a bad sequel, Grayscale, 21Shares, Bitwise, Fidelity, and CoinShares jumped on the bandwagon. 🚂 Because nothing says “innovation” like everyone doing the same thing.

Enter Alex Spiro, a sleek, silver-tongued fox, whose legal acumen is as sharp as the Dogecoin community’s resolve. 🐾 Yet, the question lingers: is this a leap of faith or a leap into the abyss? 🌀

USDT didn’t even break a sweat reclaiming its spot. With a market cap ballooning to $167,613,338 (seriously, who’s even counting anymore?), it left XRP choking on its dust. Meanwhile, XRP is out here acting like it forgot how to hold onto support levels. Remember when it hit that all-time high of $3.65 in July? Yeah, neither does XRP. It’s been downhill ever since-dropping below the magical $3 line more times than I’ve rewatched *Curb Your Enthusiasm*. 😩