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Their message? Bitcoin’s current performance, which since its cycle low resembles a somewhat sluggish remix of past rallies, might be a little behind schedule. Or, as I like to call it, the crypto version of that slow jog you do when convinced you’re late but secretly just trying to look busy. This delay could mean another leg higher, or-if everyone gets tired of waiting-possibly a quick exit. Think of it as the market’s version of “are we there yet?” with a dash of existential dread.

Basically, these things are glued to the US dollar-no fancy tricks, no rollercoasters. Companies are saying, “You want your money to grow without risking everything?” Well, here’s a big, fat market of $278 billion (and climbing faster than your ex’s new relationship) that’s ready to be tapped. Thanks to the GENIUS Act-because nothing screams genius like mandatory dollar backing-confidence is at an all-time high. Nice. 👏

So what does this shiny new piece of plastic do? Oh, not much, really. You can earn 4% cash back on gas, EV charging, and public transport (because nothing screams “cutting-edge innovation” like buses 🚍). Dining will get you 3%, groceries 2%, and everything else a measly 1%. Truly, we are witnessing the dawn of a financial utopia here.

Modern investing has become an unholy stew of politics, memes, and whatever your crazy neighbor shouts at you about on Facebook. August 22: the day Canary Capital lobbed its S-1 at the SEC, proposing the “American-Made Crypto ETF”-presumably the financial equivalent of apple pie, but with more volatility and less sugar.

Here’s the TL;DR for those who can’t be bothered:

This theatrical performance followed an AMA with the aforementioned Mr. Hoskinson, a man of such boundless optimism that one wonders if he has ever encountered a cloud in his sky. He spoke, with the fervor of a man describing his own child’s genius, of a coming “Midnight Network”-a thing promised to bring privacy, a commodity more scarce than common sense in these parts. 😉

Since April, ETH has gone on a wild ride-up over 240% to smash above $5,000 last Sunday, making investors feel like the kings of crypto. Profits? Oh, they’re rising faster than the tech bubble in 2000, hinting we’re in the “belief” phase, which basically means everyone’s convinced this is the real deal… until it’s not. 😉

The Dow Jones Industrial Average opened lower than a limbo stick at a party, down 90 points, while the S&P 500 lost 0.2%. It’s like watching your favorite roller coaster go down instead of up! 🎢 The Nasdaq Composite also joined the fun, dropping 0.3% as the once-bullish investors turned into cautious cats. 🐱

Ripple (XRP) is in a bit of a holding pattern, even though there are some good reasons for it to grow up and do something. But let’s face it, higher timeframe charts are saying, “Hey, there’s still some life in you!” The $2.64 region is where all the cool kids hang out, and there’s a noticeable buildup of liquidity. So, if it gets tested, there’s a chance it might react. But let’s wait and see if it actually does anything. 🕵️‍♂️

It’s apparently forming something called an “inverse head and shoulders pattern.” Which, if you’re over thirty, is not to be confused with whatever your chiropractor did to you last Tuesday. Javon Marks, who I assume is a crypto analyst and not my childhood orthodontist, assures us that this means Shiba Inu could surge 540%. Sure, Javon. Maybe next it will do my taxes.