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If Monday was the declaration (“I do!” shouted the ETF groom), then Tuesday is the matrimonial banquet: salads of sats, roasted ETH loins, each bite perfumed by Nasdaq’s bandwidth. Two straight days, no outflows-crickets check their wallets and weep.
Meanwhile, the trading floor hums like a samovar; $3.19 billion swirl in a porcelain storm the color of Moscow dusk.
Somewhere amidst the labyrinthine corridors of financial progression, Alt5 Sigma Corporation (Nasdaq: ALTS)-pioneers in the science of discovering new ways to digitally misplace your lunch money-shook the planet by buying 7.5 billion WLFI tokens. Enter Eric Trump, co-founder, recently-minted Alt5 board member, and man with a shocking ability to smile directly into a camera. He rang the opening bell at Nasdaq so vigorously, several constellations may have had to be recalibrated.
Judge Paul Engelmayer, presumably tired of Kwon’s shenanigans, has asked him to prepare a heartfelt explanation of how he violated the law-you know, just in case he decides to go the guilty route. 🎭 Meanwhile, Kwon’s been living his best life, jet-setting with a forged passport until he was nabbed in Montenegro in 2023. Because who needs a valid passport when you’ve got $40 billion in losses to distract everyone? ✈️🤡
After weeks of speculation (because nothing’s more thrilling than watching a company fumble its IPO range), Bullish went public on Wednesday at $37 a share-because $32 to $33 was clearly “too safe” for a Wall Street crowd that lives for chaos. 💸
In the latest spectacle, Dogwifhat (WIF) is prancing around at $1.04 after an impressive 17% surge in the last 24 hours-yes, you read that right, 17%. It’s like a surprise plot twist nobody saw coming. Over the week, it’s up 20%. Trading volume for the last day? A cool $401.3 million, because why not?
Ethereum’s market pitch just got upgraded from a confusing puzzle to a clear mainline-finally. Before, explaining ETH to the traditional crowd was like trying to teach a cat to dance, but now, they see it as the core wiring of future finance. Fancy that! 🧠💥
On the 13th of August, Ethereum (ETH) flirted with a new all-time high, much to the delight of Standard Chartered analysts who revised their forecast upwards. The bank’s digital assets research team, led by the sagacious Geoff Kendrick, now envisions Ethereum reaching $7,500 by year-end, a significant leap from the previously estimated $4,000.
In a delightful tête-à-tête on CNBC Television, the former president of the NYSE, the venerable Tom Farley, waxes poetic about how the crypto industry has flourished over the past decade, thanks to our beloved retail traders. But lo and behold! A shift is afoot, as the institutional investors now wish to take center stage! 🎭
Bitcoin’s bulls, those darlings of excess, are chasing the elusive $123,218, as if it were the last waltz of the season. 🕺💸
