qfx

In the annals of its storied ledger, for the period culminating on the 30th of June, Coinbase proclaimed a net income of $1.43 billion—or $5.14 per share—a sum that loomed as grand as the Russian steppes compared to the meager $36.13 million (or merely 14 cents per share) of the preceding year. This remarkable ascent, however, owed much to a serendipitous windfall: a $1.5 billion gain from its investment in Circle (CRCL) and an additional $362 million from its crypto investment portfolio. On an adjusted basis, the company’s earnings per share reached $1.96, surpassing the modest forecast of $1.26 posited by LSEG.

Ah, dear audience, let us recount the tale of PENGU, trading near $0.034 after losing 12% in a day and 9% in a week. With trading volume at $1.13 billion, our hero has formed a bullish pennant—a flagpole followed by consolidation, much like a nobleman pausing to adjust his wig. Analyst Ali Martinez declares it “textbook,” as though PENGU were studying for an exam on market behavior.

Meanwhile, the Bolivian economy, in a display of dramatic transformation worthy of the grandest epics, has witnessed its crypto transactions burgeon from a modest $46.5 million to an awe-inspiring $294 million in the span of a single year. This surge, following the institution of its pioneering regulatory framework R.D. No. 082/2024, has set the stage for officials to cast a hopeful gaze toward El Salvador—lauded far and wide as the crypto vanguard—as an indispensable ally in accelerating Bolivia’s digital asset odyssey. One can almost hear the echoes of history, as if the ghosts of Tolstoy’s characters whispered approvingly at this modern-day alliance.

The case, suspended in the netherworld of legal abeyance, awaits the whims of the Second Circuit Court of Appeals. The court, a cosmic chessboard, demands the SEC submit a status report by August 15, 2025. Until then, the saga remains a paused opera, its resolution yet to be composed. 🎭

The celebrated Pump.fun, otherwise known as the ineffably christened “PUMP” token, suffered a grievous setback mere days following its triumph at the dizzying height of $0.00689 on the 15th of July. Alas, its descent was precipitous, falling a mortifying 66.58% in the passage of ten short days, at which point the meme coin launchpad was quite dashed to $0.0023. Oh, the ignominy! 😱

Misyon Bank in Türkiye has integrated Chainlink, a leading blockchain oracle provider, to improve trust and security for digital asset holders. This new move is right at the time when the U.S. White House acknowledges the use of Chainlink technology in securing safer blockchain finance. Because nothing says ‘we’re serious’ like a government that’s only just now realizing crypto exists. 🚀

Apparently, DeFi’s summer holiday is over—TVL back to its pre-terraform glory, so grab your sunglasses. Meanwhile, the IMF, in a shocking display of technological enlightenment, now considers crypto as worthy of a place on the accounting ledger. Who knew economists had a sense of humor?

In a twist worthy of a Bridget Jones diary entry (Dear Diary, today my operating income skyrocketed 7,100% YOY to $14 billion and I only spilled coffee on my shirt twice), the company co-founded by The Bitcoin Whisperer himself, Michael Saylor, dropped this bombshell on Thursday. Naturally, their latest numbers rely on fair value accounting, i.e., “we’re counting stuff that doesn’t exist yet, but it could if the universe finally appreciates us.” 😏

Argentina—famous for its economic ballet of devaluations and inflation that spirals like a caffeinated hamster—beckoned the American explorers. Their mission? To peer into the land where crypto isn’t just a currency, but a lifeline, a rebellion, and possibly the only thing that makes sense anymore. Led by the ever-dignified French Hill, they gathered with Argentinians to gawk at the crypto scene, like tourists at a curious zoo—minus the peanuts, plus the regulations. 🦜

DeFi Dev Corp has thrown another $218 million at Solana, averaging a purchase price of $155.33. Their double-digit weekly growth? A financial yoga pose called “The Bullish Stretch.” If this keeps up, they’ll be buying entire planets by next quarter. Or maybe just a small asteroid. Details are unclear.