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Furthermore, the report has the audacity to urge Congress to pass legislation that supports DeFi innovation. Yes, because what we really need is more legislation in a world already drowning in it. And let’s not forget the modernization of anti-money laundering rules, which is like putting a fresh coat of paint on a sinking ship. 🚢

Bitcoin’s [BTC] macro temperature stabilized at 44%, because obviously, the universe needed another arbitrary percentage to fret over. This “neutral zone” is basically the financial equivalent of waiting for a bus that might be canceled, while aliens debate whether to sell or hodl. 🛸

It all began in a dimly lit dorm room, where the aroma of microwaved noodles mingled with the heady scent of youthful ambition. Vitalik Buterin—a chap born in Russia and raised in Canada—first caught wind of Bitcoin from his dad when he was just 17. By 2011, he was scribbling articles for Bitcoin Magazine, earning five bitcoins per piece—a princely sum at the time (about $3.50, if you’re keeping score). 🤑

According to the Financial Times, which is always good for a laugh when it comes to financial shenanigans, the ECB’s staff committee has fired off a letter to none other than the formidable Christine Lagarde herself. The letter, penned by Carlos Bowles, the chair of the staff committee, reads more like a medieval scroll of grievances than a modern bureaucratic document. It lists “widespread complaints of favoritism, high burnout rates, and the vulnerability of many colleagues working under temporary contracts.” Sounds like a recipe for a staff party, doesn’t it? 🥂

Trading volume on the platform? Nearly $187 billion—because when it comes to crypto, nobody’s afraid of a little risk. That’s up 19% from the year before, proving once again that when in doubt, trade like the world’s ending tomorrow. 🌍💸

The XRP price, refusing all offers to descend below the scandalous $3.00 mark, hovers at $3.10 after a repentant retreat to $3.05—an episode which technical analysts, armed with their mysterious runes, have declared a “bullish double-bottom.” How thrilling.

Alas, the crypto market, much like a tragic novel, has been plagued by a series of unfortunate downturns, following a recent bull run that saw Bitcoin ascend to a new pinnacle of glory on the thirteenth day of July. The fickle nature of market sentiments has led our dear Bitcoin to lead the charge in this broad correction, retreating to levels reminiscent of yesteryear. 🐻

They’re proposing a slick new “one-size-fits-all” rule, because who likes going through that tedious approval circus every time they want to launch a new crypto fund? Not these guys! Now, instead of filing a form for each new shiny thing, issuers can just wave their magic wand if their crypto meets some fancy criteria. Abracadabra! 🎩✨

Bitcoin’s Coinbase Premium turned negative after a 62-day buying streak. Talk about a mood swing! 😱

Now, while the broader cryptocurrency bazaar displayed all the enthusiasm of a damp sock, our beloved Solana managed to hold its head above water, buoyed by the delightful streams of institutional investment and the blossoming optimism surrounding regulatory clarity—very encouraging indeed!