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Per the app’s whitepaper on Github – yes, because where else would one house such profound wisdom? – Bitchat bills itself as a “secure, decentralized, peer-to-peer messaging app” that flits about on Bluetooth mesh networks. No pesky internet required, no phone numbers to tie you down, just pure, unadulterated chat freedom with end-to-end encryption. It’s like the app read “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and thought, “Hey, why not make messaging as comically inefficient as possible?” Unlike those overrated giants like Telegram, which might actually work reliably, Bitchat ensures your secrets are safer than a babel fish in a pocket dimension. End-to-end encryption? Oh, it’s there all right, guarding your messages with the fervor of a paranoid android, making sure no third party – not even Jack himself, probably – can snoop in without causing a hilarious cosmic mishap. 😂

In a bold move that would make even Mr. Darcy blush with admiration, Mill City Ventures has announced a private placement of $450 million, to be squandered (or perhaps “invested,” as the fashionable term goes) into a SUI cryptocurrency treasury. One cannot help but admire the audacity of holding digital assets as a “treasury reserve strategy”—a notion so modern, so daring, that it might well have been plucked from the pages of a speculative novel. 📚

The heatmap is like a treasure map, revealing clusters of cost basis activity near key price levels 🏴‍☠️. It’s clear that $117,000 has been a psychological anchor for bulls, and as long as this zone holds, the risk of a full-blown breakdown remains limited 🚨. But, let’s be real, repeated rejections near $120K and lackluster momentum are raising some eyebrows 🤔. If demand at $117K starts to fade, the price might quickly revisit lower levels in search of fresh support 😬.

Eric Barbier, that visionary CEO of Triple-A, says the response in Singapore was “fantastic,” which I’m sure means folks were dancing in the streets or something. Now they’re bringing this “revolution” to the Philippines, a market “ready for digital currencies,” or at least for the next big thing that’ll make them question their life choices. 🕵️‍♂️

According to the sage analyst Crypto Chiefs (@cryptochiefss), the UNI/USDT 1-hour chart displays a structured retracement, akin to a well-rehearsed play, after reaching its zenith at $10.87. The price has taken a downward stroll, marked by lower highs and lower lows, heading towards a shaded grey demand zone, that charming little nook between $10.10 and $10.30. This area, once a bastion of bullish momentum, could serve as a key reversal level if our gallant buyers come to its rescue! 🦸‍♂️

It’s not in the “Learn to Trade” section.)

And oh, what a spectacle it is! Derivatives data shows open interest for PENGU skyrocketing by over 50% in just two days. That’s faster than a seagull snatching your sandwich at the beach. Most traders are still betting this flight isn’t over yet, with prices hovering around $0.044—just a feather’s length below its all-time high. But don’t let that fool you; these birds aren’t about to land anytime soon.

In a press release dated July 28, CEA Industries Inc. (Nasdaq: VAPE, yes, we’re serious!) announced this thrill-a-minute $500 million private placement—because why not? It was upsized due to heavy demand; apparently, everyone wants a piece of the Binance pie! 🍰 According to crypto.news data, they’re going for a Nasdaq-listed treasury vehicle exclusively for—wait for it—Binance Coin (BNB), the fourth-largest cryptocurrency. Talk about a plot twist!

According to DropsTab, the bulk of Mahmudov’s gains came from SPX6900, a memecoin that has soared over 10,500% in the past year. He purchased SPX6900 at a mere $0.01, and now it trades around $2.24, netting him an estimated $66 million profit from that token alone. Other holdings, such as GIGA and SKIBDI, have also performed admirably, though not all of his bets have paid off. His stake in Apu Apustaja (APU) plummeted by 53%, leading to a loss of over $86,000, while losses on RETARDIO and POPCAT amount to around $490,000 and $270,000, respectively.

Schiff concedes the cryptocurrency’s dizzying climbs in price, those vertigo-inducing surges that have left many breathless, but he dismisses them with a sardonic wave. “Prior speculative gains don’t qualify Bitcoin as a store of value for current buyers,” he insists, as if speaking to a room full of dreamers chasing shadows. The irony, of course, is palpable—much like a character in a Chekhov story who clings to illusions while the world crumbles around them. 😂