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The hack has affected nine user accounts so far, none belonging to the company itself—ah, how convenient, sparing the overlords while the peasants suffer. WOO X has halted all withdrawals temporarily to stem the bleeding, a move that will persist until their internal inquisition concludes. In an official statement dripping with rehearsed sincerity, the exchange has reached out to the victims and promised full compensation for any illicit thefts, as if such gestures could erase the sting of betrayal in this cold, algorithmic world. 😠

This “TradingShot” individual – whose credentials, one suspects, involve a worrying amount of time staring at charts and a profound belief in the predictive power of vaguely geometric shapes – posits that this cylinder thingy means Dogecoin could, theoretically, achieve the dizzying heights of $1.50. Which, in the grand scheme of things, isn’t a lot. Unless you bought a lot of Dogecoin when it was practically free. In which case, congratulations. You’ve stumbled into a financial anomaly. 🥳

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In yet another plot twist that shows crypto is not merely a passing fancy, Aaron Kirman, the grand poobah of one of Christie’s branches, officially opened the gates to this new department. His take? This hasn’t been a spur-of-the-moment whim; it’s been brewing longer than a strong cup of Earl Grey. ☕️

Yep, Galaxy Digital reportedly moved 11,000 BTC (that’s BILLION with a B) and yanked over $1.15 billion in USDT from exchanges. Not exactly subtle, is it? This isn’t the first time they’ve been dumping Bitcoin like last week’s leftovers. In fact, since mid-July, there’s been a steady stream of BTC flowing out of Galaxy’s coffers, all while Novogratz kept chirping about how Bitcoin was going to the moon. 🌕🙄

On the 24th of July, Elon Musk indicated that the X-owned video app Vine would return with a focus on ‘AI-form’, triggering the Vine coin [VINE] rally. 🧠💸

JUST IN: ARTHUR HAYES ADDS 2.16M $ENA TO WALLET, NOW HOLDS $3.73M IN TOKENS

Microstrategy, that once humble software intelligence firm, now rebranded as the mighty Strategy, embarks upon yet another enormous bitcoin acquisition. Aided by the funding from its recent stock offering—oh, just a cool $2.47 billion—Strategy is preparing for its next big move in the cryptocurrency game. You see, this latest endeavor was announced with fanfare on July 25, as the company priced its grand new venture: a mind-boggling 28,011,111 shares of Variable Rate Series A Perpetual Stretch Preferred Stock (yes, that’s a mouthful, and no, it’s not a misprint), set at $90 per share. The public offering, completed on July 24, is expected to close by July 29, assuming nothing goes terribly wrong. But who would dare bet against them? 🤷‍♂️

As Bitcoin’s price retreats, traders, those modern-day gamblers, open new positions with the fervor of a religious zealot. According to CryptoQuant’s Arab Chain, the sharp rise in open interest alongside a falling price is a dance of speculators, many wielding leverage like a sword. This dynamic makes Bitcoin more volatile than a drunk sailor on a shipwreck. 🚢💥

According to some very intelligent folks at GemXBT (who clearly know what they’re talking about), Solana (SOL, or as I like to call it, the rollercoaster with no brakes) is making a beeline downward. It’s slipping below its short-term friends—the 20 MA, 10 MA, and 5 MA—and looking more like a deflating balloon than a thriving blockchain. When the technicals betray you this way, it’s usually a sign that the market’s mood has turned gloomier than a Monday morning. And that’s before mentioning the MACD, which is still sulking below its line, like a sulky teenager refusing to speak.