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Kalshi is now offering tokenized versions of its event-contract wagers on Solana, the company told CNBC, marking its clearest bid yet to attract crypto traders who have gravitated to on-chain platforms like Polymarket. A modern-day Dostoevsky novel, if the protagonist were a Bitcoin whale and the antagonist was a regulatory body 🧠.

And pray, what was this mistake? Why, it was not the failure to procure the asset at an early juncture, nor the oversight of a successful technology-oh, no. Mr. Schiff himself insists that the true blunder was his misplaced assumption that others, dear souls, would see what he so clearly saw: that Bitcoin, being entirely detached from anything tangible, could hardly hold any lasting value.

So, what’s the deal? XRP’s price is down to a mere $2.03, marking a 7.19% decline. A tragic fall from its earlier $3 high, yes, but still, it clings to life. This decline follows weeks of selling pressure-because who doesn’t love a bit of downward spiral in the volatile world of crypto? Yet, liquidity remains shockingly strong. What a relief. At least someone’s happy in this market. 🤷‍♂️

Bitcoin mining profitability has been on a diet for the fourth month running, as per JPMorgan’s latest missive. One might say the miners are now auditioning for roles in a tragic opera titled “The Ballad of the Broke and Exhausted.” 🎭

In splendid isolation, the recent withdrawal of 28 billion SHIB from exchanges is, I suppose, a positive trinket. Outflows, after all, suggest a decrease in selling pressure-coins flitting away from exchanges like socialites avoiding a scandal. This does imply that some holders are opting for a more dignified stance, avoiding the panic-selling frenzy and perhaps considering longer-term positions. How quaint! But let’s not get carried away, darling. The scale, as always, is the devil in the details. SHIB’s total exchange reserves are a staggering 81 trillion tokens. A 28 billion outflow? Merely 0.03% of the total supply. Barely a ripple in the champagne flute of crypto, I’m afraid. 🥂

Below lies a dissection of this digital dumpster fire, served with a sprinkle of schadenfreude. 🍿

So, here we are, with December slapping us in the face with a clear bearish bias. Happy holidays, eh?

Martinez, with a flourish of his quill (or perhaps a tweet, in this modern age), shared a chart on X, a Santiment masterpiece, which reveals the sad truth: “Whale activity on the Dogecoin network has sunk to its lowest ebb in two moons.” The graph, a tragicomic ballet of price and transaction, shows the once-frequent spikes of high-value transfers in early October 2025, when the price danced near the giddy heights of $0.27. Ah, those were the days! Now, the chart lies flat, as lifeless as a fish out of water.

But don’t just take my word for it. Here’s the lowdown on this privacy-loving coin:

A large wave of liquidations cleared out stop-loss orders between $90,000 and $86,000, allowing the price to fall quickly. With that block now gone, traders are watching how Bitcoin behaves around current levels. Because nothing says “excitement” like a 4% drop and a bunch of confused investors. 😂