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Jihan, a man of two worlds (economics and computer science), saw the absurdity of digital scarcity like it was a gentleman’s code of honor. He noted, with perhaps a scoff directed at skeptics, that misinformation was the true blockchain-linear, hard to unravel, and full of unverified nodes. Hence, the translation. A public service, really, for those who tire of mainstream media reporting Bitcoin as a product of “madness and malware” since ’09.

In fact, it’s now comfortably sitting as the second-best performer on a weekly chart. How? Why? What wizardry is at play? Let’s dive in.

“The last time I saw such an asymmetric risk-reward was during COVID,” declared André Dragosch, Bitwise Europe’s head of research, in a socially acceptable outburst on X. He was referring to March 2020, when Bitcoin’s price nosedived from $8,000 to below $5,000, presumably because the virus had a vendetta against decentralized currencies.

faster, cheaper digital services and better connectivity between financial institutions. Or, in plain English, “Let’s fix the plumbing before we flood the ballroom with champagne.” 🍾

Here’s the thing: Ethereum’s global appeal comes down to one word: credibility. Unlike your ex, who always had excuses, Ethereum is never down, ever. Oh, and did we mention it has the economic security to back up the world’s entire financial system? No big deal, right? But don’t take our word for it-Captain GM (yes, that’s actually a person, not a spaceship) says ETH isn’t fast enough for trading. It wasn’t built for speed. Gasp.

“Donald Trump has turned the Oval Office into the world’s most lucrative crypto startup-less Silicon Valley, more Silicon Shenanigans. Billions made, safeguards broken, and a side of pardons for fraudsters who crypto their way out of trouble. Meanwhile, America’s real issues-healthcare, food, troops-are just collateral damage in this criminal comedy.”

Now, as fires go, this one was caused by something as charmingly mundane as an “electrical switchgear failure.” Yes, folks, it’s the kind of thing that can happen when you mix heavy-duty mining with electrical equipment that probably hasn’t been given a good look in years. 🙄

Our good friend Dark Defender – and no, that’s not a superhero, just an analyst with maybe a little too much free time – says XRP has wrapped up its monthly “Wave 4 correction” based on Elliott theory. Basically, it’s had its little tantrum at $1.88, which lines up with a Fibonacci extension (fancy math stuff that traders love). Now, it’s eyeing a resistance line like it’s eyeing the last slice of pizza. If it can break that line and punch through $2.22, we might be flirting with Wave 5 – which, in crypto talk, means things could get really fun, really fast. According to Dark Defender,

Mark your calendars for 2026, when new domestic rules shall sprout like edelweiss in spring. Yet the international data-sharing spectacle, once slated to debut with fanfare, now lingers in the wings. 🎭 Awaiting its cue, perhaps?

Tom Lee’s BitMine Immersion Technologies, with all the subtlety of a stampede, added 14,618 ETH to its corporate treasury Thursday. This occurred after Ethereum briefly flirted with $3k-a price level one might reach if they squinted at a chart while under the influence of caffeine and delusion. Arkham data, via Lookonchain, confirms the $44.34 million purchase from wallet “0xbd0b609b6d3433b75f46b053284d7d3” at BitGo. Naturally, BitMine has not confirmed this, because transparency is for people who lack imagination. 🕵️♂️