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In July 2025—because the future is always where the messiest stuff happens—authorities stumbled upon a bot farm that used more devices than the average phone store stocks in its lifetime. These little rectangles of silicon joy were painstakingly programmed to “act human,” which mostly involves clicking shiny buttons, filling out forms, and pretending to have existential crises about the future of decentralized finance. By deftly imitating authentic users, the operators netted enough crypto tokens to buy at least three moderately overpriced cups of coffee. Possibly more, depending on exchange rates and the general mood of Elon Musk.

To achieve this noble goal, BIT Mining plans to liquidate all its current crypto assets, turning them into SOL, and adopting the revered HODL stance. As if that weren’t enough, they will also operate Solana validator nodes, a move that will not only secure and decentralize the network but also bring in a steady stream of staking rewards. Or so they hope. 🤞

Our hero, UNI, teeters above the abyss of support, stalked by the disquieting shadow of resistance. Traders, those existential gamblers, peer at their screens and dream of some higher truth, found perhaps near resistance at $9. Will they find solace—or merely more questions?

Senator Scott has teamed up with Senator Cynthia Lummis, a longtime Bitcoin fan girl 💖, to make sure America stays on top of the crypto game 🏆.

Now, I know what you’re thinkin’, “What in tarnation does this mean for me?” 🤷‍♂️. Well, it seems that the first phase of this integration is already live, and it lets users take a gander at dynamic price behavior 📊—like movements in the COIN50 index—just by double-clickin’ on the platform. Easy peasy, lemon squeezy! 🍋

The last time the Fed cut rates was during President Biden’s term, when the central bank lowered rates on Dec. 18, 2024, bringing the federal funds rate (FFR) to its current range of 4.25%–4.50%. Since then, the Fed has been stuck in neutral, refusing to budge even as other central banks around the world have eased 🌎.

The 61-page complaint, Maxwell v. Sarris, filed on 9 July 2025 in the US District Court for the Southern District of New York, makes for thrilling reading, replete as it is with allegations of unregistered broker-dealers, misleading offering exemptions, and a failure to deliver legal title to any of the underlying shares. It’s a veritable smorgasbord of financial malfeasance, and one can hardly wait to see how it all plays out.

Do prepare yourself (preferably with a croissant in one hand and anti-anxiety meds in the other) for yet another Bitcoin (BTC) update—the saga continues! Starring Max Keiser, a man with more opinions than my mum reading my diary. His recent musings: Bitcoin is now basically auditioning to overthrow the US dollar, and in true Max fashion, he’s waving around a bold new price prediction and treating fiat money like a fashion faux pas from the 90s.

According to DT, the reason behind this crypto boom is his administration’s ingenious economic policies 🤓. Specifically, he pointed to the 47% rise in Nvidia stock since the implementation of new tariffs, because, you know, tariffs are the answer to all of life’s problems 🙄. “USA is taking in Hundreds of Billions of Dollars in Tariffs,” he wrote, proclaiming that the country is now “BACK” (in all caps, because subtlety is overrated) and calling on the Federal Reserve to “rapidly lower” interest rates, because who needs fiscal responsibility, anyway? 🤑

The crypto community, a motley crew of tech wizards and digital dreamers, had rallied against this bureaucratic behemoth, arguing that DeFi protocols, often run by algorithms and not by humans, were as capable of compliance as a cloud is of carrying a mountain. 🌤️🏔️