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Fear not, dear reader, for the Bank of England shall unveil its final edicts in the second half of 2026, after a grand review of industry grumblings early next year. 📜

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down 0.4%, wobbling to $3.6 trillion, a figure as precise as a Kremlin weather forecast. Bitcoin, that moody diva of decentralized drama, dipped 1% to $105,349 – still refusing to acknowledge ETH’s increasingly desperate glances. Ethereum, faithful and volatile as ever, surrendered 1.5% to land at $3,564, while XRP – yes,

So, Bitcoin’s holding steady above $100K, huh? Big deal. Market watchers are saying it’s because U.S. lawmakers might actually pass a budget. You know, the same guys who can’t agree on what day it is. But hey, if that’s what it takes to keep Bitcoin afloat, I’ll take it. 🤑

The founder, Hayden Adams, a man of bold ideas, unveiled a governance proposal so audacious, it would make a Tsar blush. “UNIfication” aims to burn UNI tokens with the finesse of a pyromaniac, reducing supply and showering holders with riches. 🧙‍♂️🔥 The market, ever the fickle lover, responded with a 30% surge, as if the token had suddenly acquired a soul. 🕯️

Yet this is no solo act. The OGs, those crypto elder gremlins hiding in on-chain caves, have also been squirting coins out like a malfunctioning Bitcoin espresso machine. And thus, the recent buyers, now trembling with FOMO, sprint toward exits like rodents fleeing a sinking ship. 💄

The Bull Theory, whose members likely have more charts than a medieval scribe, noted that Bitcoin’s weekly candle closed above the 50-day EMA. A critical indicator, they say, which has “historically supported every major uptrend.” Or, as we call it, “a lucky guess that worked last time.” 🧠

Come Thursday, folks got a fleeting puff of hope, thinking maybe the government wouldn’t shut down-puff, just like that, hope went the way of a snowball in July. By Friday, cheers turned to tears, and money ran faster than a gambler at a lost hand. But amidst all this hullabaloo, the altcoins-those cheeky little devils-are doin’ their own dance, defyin gravity and market gloom, like a mule with a hat on. 🎩🐴

Ripple’s cross-border token has been on a tear lately, and we’re not just talking about the company’s lawyers trying to tear apart the SEC’s case 🤣. With all the hubbub around a potential spot XRP ETF launch in the States, one analyst is predicting a massive surge to $6, or even $10! 🚀

According to the ever-wise CryptoQuant analyst Maartunn (who clearly has a crystal ball), ETH’s open interest-think of it as a giant party count of all derivatives positions-has just gone through the roof. When this number climbs, it’s like everyone and their dog is opening a new position, and the leverage levels skyrocket faster than a rocket fueled by FOMO. 🚀