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Just this week, the SEC decided that delaying decisions on XRP ETF applications by companies like Bitwise, Canary, Coinshares, and Grayscale was *absolutely necessary*. But fear not, dear audience! These companies, armed with quills sharper than wit itself, swiftly updated their filings. Bloomberg’s James Seyffart hints that these updates are likely due to feedback from the SEC-a process as predictable as a villain monologue in Act III. He quips:

Armstrong, channeling his inner Bond villain, revealed that North Korean coders are allegedly exploiting Coinbase’s remote work policies like a Netflix password shared among siblings. “It’s like they’ve opened a Hogwarts for Hackers,” he quipped, referencing the 500 graduates North Korea supposedly churns out each quarter. One wonders if these graduates are taught to code or to build literal missile spreadsheets.

Oh, the irony! While we mere mortals are busy worrying about our Bitcoin (BTC) investments, the whales are out there, snapping up more than 16,000 BTC during the latest market dip. Meanwhile, the brave warriors on Binance are turning into risk-averse kittens, with falling leverage indicating they’re not feeling so adventurous anymore.

Some bespectacled wizard, no doubt with a crystal ball clouded by cheap tobacco smoke, proclaims the weekly chart has ‘constructed a base.’ I say it resembles nothing so much as a rounded bottom, the kind a well-fed bureaucrat might possess after a lifetime of state banquets. This so-called ‘demand zone’ near $0.50 is where dreams go to be accumulated, my friends, before being launched into the ether on a rocket of pure speculation. The volume dynamics? A chorus of the damned!

Here’s the gist: the bill allows the president to hand out letters of marque to “privately armed and equipped persons” (pirates, basically) who are contracted to do everything in their power to “seize property” and perhaps even “punish” cybercriminals deemed to be a threat. Naturally, these “privately armed” folks won’t be sailing the high seas but will instead engage in a digital treasure hunt, seizing cryptocurrency and, if necessary, extracting justice. Arrr!

Behold! Solana has once again snatched the #1 crown in DEX volume, with $4.55B in 24-hour trading. A staggering figure, one might say, if you squint and ignore the fact that Ethereum trails with a paltry $3.68B. BSC and Base? They’re playing with Monopoly money. 🤯

In a world where digital assets are as common as sushi rolls, Ripple has decided to grace Japan with its presence through a new memorandum of understanding (MOU) with SBI Holdings and its ever-ambitious offspring, SBI VC Trade. This delightful arrangement aims to allow the latter to distribute the illustrious stablecoin, Ripple USD (RLUSD), in the Japanese market. One can only imagine the excitement of Japanese users as they anticipate the widening of their stablecoin options-because who doesn’t want more choices in their digital wallets? 🎉

The token, much like a character in a Dickensian novel, teeters on the brink of fate, with the critical $0.37 resistance acting as the final hurdle before a grand rally or a renewed wave of selling pressure. The suspense is almost too much to bear! 🤯

The proposal, filed under House Bill 421, directs the Bangko Sentral ng Pilipinas (BSP) to purchase up to 2,000 BTC annually for five years, establishing a 10,000 BTC reserve. Because nothing says “financial security” like putting your money in a digital vault that’s probably more secure than your Wi-Fi password. 🔐

On the “protocol news” stage, Chainlink snagged both ISO 27001 and SOC 2 Type 1 with the help of Deloitte-who presumably checked under the digital sofa cushions first. Their audits covered everything from price feeds to the impressively titled Cross-Chain Interoperability Protocol (CCIP), which sounds like networking with extra syllables.